Thursday, May 05, 2011

RHOC recap: You down with ADP???

ADP. Awkward Dinner Party. A classic in Real Housewifery. A staple. A go-to. Whether you're a watcher or a recapper, nothing says Housewife like a juvenile, petty, teenage-drama-inspired ADP.  Pure, unadulterated redonkulousness. ADPs are the gel, the glue, that brings a season together and makes it stick.  Stick like a goopy kid-booger to a ruddy baby-cheek in the middle of cold season.

Anyparty, wrangling all these dip-shits together is a guaranteed good time--for us of course, as well as for some of them.  And you know who I'm talking about...the old school shit-stirrers. Danielle Staub, Camille Grammar, Tamra Barney, the Salahis and the like. This ADP is hosted by Peggy and Micah--I'm still not entirely comfortable with his name, but that's neither here nor there.  They started prepping last week for it...cause those two luuuuuurve to go all out. And by "it" I mean the Awkwardness. Since I didn't do a proper recap last week (the SHAME!!),  I'm going to travel back in time...won't you join me?

Last week the Tanouses told us every year they have a big time dinner party with a celebrity chef. I'm pretty sure that statement is about as real as Pegster's tits (the first, second, or third set), but for our purposes the truth doesn't really matter now does it?  What's important is they're gettin' the band back together. Everybody is invited and the Pegster wants to wow her castmates guests. They stop by Border Grill  and chat up supah-stah chef Susan Feniger.
We really enjoy the Bloomin' Onion, have you ever had one per chance? They make Micah's tummy happy.
I don't watch Top Chef Masters/Celebrity/Whatever-it's-called, but my guess is Suzie participated. Obviously Bravo provided this intro (that's what the big-wigs call "synergy" kittens) and Peggy and Micah have no real clue about the wonderfulness of Ms. Feniger; I think they're just aimlessly following a producer around the Orange County restaurant scene.  My suspicions are confirmed when Micah makes nine kinds of an ass out of himself.
  • They go to a restaurant called Border Grill and are surprised to find it's Mexican infused/inspired fare. That's right Peggy, usually when I hear the words Border and Grill I think of Canadian cuisine. 
  • Upon finally making the connection Micah tells Susan that he considers Mexican food only appropriate for a pool party. GET OUT! Yes he did, and he said it with att-i-tude. Susan laughs in his face and says don't say that! Lurve her. 
  • They do a tasting and Micah channels The Cuntess for each dish; he's all but spewing condescending and patronizing dahlings every time he tells Suzie that he doesn't like her dishes. TO HER FACE. He and Ms. Feniger battle it out, but she's obviously got her eye on the prize because she allows him to poop all over her yum yums. She's very smiley and happy for a chef, don't you think?
  • After voicing all his concerns about the caliber of Ms. Feniger's cooking, Micah moves on to the topic of desserts.  He looks her dead in the eye, and in all seriousness says he'd really like to served deep fried OREOS  for dessert. She laughs in his face. Lurve her MORE.
  • Despite the fact that Micah hated everything he ate, they choose Chef Feniger...I wonder why?? Peggy tells us she doesn't care what the food is like, she's got a celebrity chef. Touchdown for the Pegster.
I guess the Tanous/Feniger back story isn't key in recapping Episode Nine, but it was just too good. I couldn't NOT touch it. What donkeys. They definitely jump started the awkwardness. Way to plan ahead Tanouses. Okay, so back to this week...

Everybody is getting ready for the big night. The primping and prepping sets the stage for some of the junk that's going to blow up later on in the evening. First up is Gretchen...
The official face of Gretchen Christine Beauté.
No really. This is it.
She's talking her shit out at the beautê parlor like a good doobie. Her best gay is asking her some staged questions about her future with Slade because...Slade is in the press again! And this time somebody got some 'splaining to do.  The shit hit the fan for Slade and his massive child support balance he owes...to the mother...of his sick child...sick with brain cancer.  Not good.  In fact, it's VERY bad. Of course Gretchen makes it about herself: does she want to be with someone who has such a bad rep? What would other people think? Slade needs to get in a better place financially before they marry? What about a better place morally Gretchen? Hmmm? But she doesn't bother with that nonsense, instead she gives a wonky explanation about why this isn't really Slade's fault...why he isn't a bad guy after all...why he isn't going to hell and taking her with him. Vomit. Oh and by the way, Slade has his boys tonight so he won't make it to the ADP. Convenient, no?

Next up is Tamra...in the back of a limo...the same place she's been for seven out of the last nine episodes. She and Eddie are on their way to Vicki and Donn's. Tamra preps Eddie for meeting with Vicki: she could be hyper-Vicki or she could be lecture-Vicki. Eddie flashes her all 82 of his pearly whites and reassures his baby that everything will be just fine. Interview Tamra isn't quite as confident and equates Vicki to Joan Crawford...keep the wire hangers away from her.  The Smoochy McSmoochers get to the Gunvalson's...and Donn gives Eddie the same warning:
pssst...PSSST...don't move your lips or make eye contact...if you get me out
of here I'll be your man-servant for the REST of your days. Pinky promise.
Vicki circles Eddie, kicks his tires, and checks his gums.  Interview-Vicki says nice muscles, let's see if he has brains. What a cow. Vicki and Tamra are preoccupied ripping Slade to shreds, so nobody notices Donn desperately winking, nodding, and pleading through clenched teeth for an assist at a run for freedom. Opportunity lost Donn, Slade's screw ups take priority. Apparently Slade reports to the judge on a weekly basis about his job hunt, interviews etc. But all he really does is work for Gretchen's various sweat shop enterprises. Eddie chimes in with the idea that they bring Slade a  McDonald's application to fill out at the ADP.  Vicki's eye's light up. Angels appear and Eddie is backlit with a soft, amber glow. Eddie has made a new friend and her name is Vicki Gunvalson.  Muscles AND brains, lil'Tamra done good.
Back to Tamra's Happy Place--meaning the back of a limo, not a candlelit bathtub surrounded by TV cameras.  The Double Daters are done with Slade and move on to the Bellino's financial troubles. The limo is littered in f-bombs...no, not fucks (those are for bathtub scenes only), I'm talking about FORECLOSURE.  Real estate-Tamra teaches us the new term for foreclosure is loan modification.  I did not know that, did you? I try to learn something new everyday...from the word calendar, from my kids, from the newspaper.  But I never want the new-thing-I-learned to be from Tamra Barney.  That makes me feel bad.  I'm forced to snap out of my funk because Vicki really gets in the Bellino-bashing, mercilessly squawking DOES HE WORK?! DOES HE WORK?!? WHAT DOES HE DO?!! WHAT. DOES. JIM. DO?!?!?  Oh Vicki, you so fuuun-nee gurl. Funny for a rabid, bleached out, saggy seagull.

Listen Feniger, we  may not know the difference between a
Michelin star and a Michelin tire, but you better not fuck this up for us.
Finally, party time. Peggy and Micah check in with Susan Feniger and she's very happy (with her free publicity)--she's slapped her jalapeno-covered kerchief on her head, she's dredged the Oreos, and all she needs now are some people to eat her spicy pool-party slop. The table is set with fancy, rented flatware, flowers float in the vases with Japanese Fighting Fish (the ADP centerpiece-fish of choice) swimming in the bottom, and the stemware is gleaming. There are plenty of candles too--which seems harmless enough, but I sure hope Tamra and Eddie don't get the wrong idea and mistake the ADP for an orgy.  Sounds redunk, but it's not out of the realm of possibility for those two horny teenagers.

Since Slade is hiding out from the world with his boys Gretchen shows up with her gay assistant. BOOOOO.  This isn't like our Slade, now is it? You know his life sucks big, support-payment balls if he's giving up so much camera time.  For a minute I imagine him living billy goat-style in the impenetrable mountains of northern Afghanistan a la Bin Laden, where no pesky court orders can reach him...not even with a drone. Welp, turns out big bad Bin Laden himself couldn't even hack it in that hardcore wilderness, so Slade's going to have to surface sometime and come clean. I'm a little sadzy he isn't instantly trying to worm his way out of his money troubles, but nobody at the party seems to give a Slade's rat's ass.  However, everybody sure cares when Alexis arrives without Jimbo, and has her gay assistant instead.  Pegster is irked, to say the least. How can he not be here?? We've been planning this for a momf! Peggy stamps her foot, pouts in the corner and won't come out until Micah bribes her back to her own party with a nine carat toe ring. Alexis uses her go-to answer,  He's a bidness man, something came up! Yeah Alexis, "something" sure did come up...like a mortgage payment. Or 17. All of a sudden I get another image of ma'King selling oranges on the freeway and wiping down windshields with Windex and newspaper...at the rate these two are going he's going to clean out every grove in the great state of California.

But not soon after she arrives, Alexis disappears...Where's Alexis? Where's Alexis? Don't worry lil'Peggy here's a jewel-encrusted belly chain to distract you; Alexis is just in a dark corner with her cell phone and she'll be back before you can say He went to Jared's. Now, if I didn't know better I'd think Alexis was snorting coke in the powder room...but I guess ma'King is a kin to a line of blow for Alexis. That being the case, throughout the evening we learn she has a pretty nasty nose-candy habit.
C'mon baby, just one hit! Mommy needs just one hit from ma'King and
everything will be okay, I promise this time.

The stretch limo pulls up in front and the Double Daters fall out in fits of schadenfreude laughter. Tamra and Vicki are old-school, they know an ADP when they see one and they're loving the idea of keeping company with two financially degenerate Real Househusbands and watching them squirm.  They're ready to knock this one outta the park.  From the backyard Gretchen recognizes the distinct squawk of Gunval-Barney-migratorus and announces the bitches have arrived!  A classic ADP move: Gretchen makes it clear to the other, unsuspecting guests that lines have been drawn, sides picked, and battles will be fought. Prepare. Vicki, Tamra and company blow into the backyard like the Santa Ana winds and introductions are made. Gretchen is so hard-core ADP that she declares  I don't want to meet Eddie...he looks like a pretty boy.  Yes! Your head's in the game gurl, way make things awkward. Alexis was a bad ADP-er and innocently told the camera that Eddie looked younger than her, but they look happy.  What the hell is that?

But Gretchen's just warming up...she pulls her assistant/date/Slade-replacement aside and they start cracking jokes about Eddie.  Vicki and Tamra don't pick up on Gretchen's snide attempts at witty Housewife bashing, and I know why. They've been thrown a real curve ball: no Slade, no Jim.  Interview-Vicki knows "the slip" when she sees it: Slade isn't here the day his child support issues are made public, what a coinkidink. Tamra's equally befuddled by the Bellinos, last year she couldn't wipe her ass with out Jim, now she comes to a party alone?! You know Vicki's thinking: I left the office for this?! I committed myself to an evening with Donn for this?!? What kind of ADP amateur hour is this?!?

Meanwhile Pegster is still under the impression that she's hosting a legit dinner party that warrants adult behavior. Rookie mistake. She grabs the mic, that's right THE MICROPHONE, and announces the entertainment for the evening: her friend who flew in all the way from Philadelphia and is  known through out the land as the next....wait for it...Sade!  Sade??
Have we got a treat for you kids tonight!
Wait...Who? Sade? WHO?


Give yourself a minute and think on it.

Oh... Sade.... From 1984.
You know, Smooth Operator Sade? That Sade, get it?


I'm pretty sure I had a baby-sitter who made out with her boyfriend on my parents' couch while this sweet young thing crooned No Ordinary Love in the background.  You too?! So now you know who Pegster is talking about. Great reference Tanous, you didn't age yourself at all with that one. Now it's off to the plastic surgeon you go!


Anyway, Sade 2.0 sings sweet nothings into the Orange County breezes wafting through the Tanous's backyard.  Everyone listens politely.  Everyone except The McSmoochers.  They jump onto the terrace dance floor and start bumping, grinding and sucking face like Eddie just got back from an extended military recon tour in Azerbaijan and they want to make a baby like yesterday (!).
Hey baby, let's bring these frigid bitchez some sandy,
humpy, vacation love direct from the beaches of Spain.
Since no one has actually sat down and eaten anything yet nobody barfs all over Sade 2.0. Other than Gretchen telling them to get a room, everybody seems okay with the ADP PDA. Peggy clinks her glass and it's finally time to eat.  That's right, forks haven't even been lifted yet, can you believe it? It's gonna be a loooong night.

Let's dig in.

Gretchen throws the first punch when she very loudly laughs with her assistant that Tamra must have found Eddie at 999-SALSA. Tamra's all:
Sit tight lil'Eddie, I got this one.

And then Gretchen's all:
It wasn't me! It was my wax candy lips and my ginormous, overly brightened, thoroughbred veneers...
...I can't control them after two glasses of Merlot! I swear!

 It's ON. And Gretchen's a fool if she's isn't a little scurred.
be cool be cool be cool be cool be cool be cool be cool be cool be cool
Someone asks Gretchen where Slade is and she says...say it with me everyone...He's with his boys. Donn, who's already had a few, laughs out loud and in her face.  Outta nowhere Mr. Gunvalson makes a strong ADP play. Gretchen looks confused because...well...because she's pretty dumb, but this time it's because a man said something nasty to her. Donn continues to trash talk from across the table.  I don't think I quite like Donn participating in the immature nastiness, it makes me a little sadzy for him.  I guess I expect more from him and I get twitchy. He says a few other things that aren't nice and aren't that funny either, but since misery loves company his crew yucks it up with him...

Look at lil'Eddie!!! He's new, but he's getting right into it, isn't he?
Since Peggy is an ADP novice, the back and forth annoys her.  My party isn't being respected! Aren't we a little old? But she hasn't seen anything yet...Alexis is about to pull the ADP hat trick: the vanishing-dinner-guest alley-oop. When done correctly it can throw a whole party out of whack, and this time Alexis nailed it.
I'm not used to doing things without ma'honey.
All through the amuse bouche Alexis is mopey and droopy and saggy--emotionally of course, there's no way that woman could physically sag.  She excuses herself...

....and stays in the powder room doing lines of ma'King for the rest of the night.

A course or two are served and still no Alexis. Since Slade's been coaching Gretchen to be the best famewhore she can be, she immediately recognizes a scene-stealer when she sees it and joins Alexis in the potty. With Gretchen out of the way, Vicky lays into Alexis's pre-pubescent, bow tie-clad assistant. The poor guy didn't stand a chance.  Even Micah chimed in with a not-funny Are you Jim's stunt-double? Of course everybody loved it and the poor assistant looked like he wanted to turn  inside out. But Tamra wasn't going to be distracted, because like Gretchen, she's no famewhoring-fool either.  She nudges Vick, gives her the best shit-stirrer look she can muster, and makes a break for it. Vick barely tries to stop her, because being an adult is just too hard for a 48 year-old OC Housewife. Inside the house Tamra is in pig heaven:
Eavesdropping at the door, and owning every inch of her nasty, bitchy, mean-girl self like no one I've ever seen.

So at this point, pretty much no one is left at the table.  Except for the puckered up host and hostess...
Micha tries to use an emerald and safire covered nipple-shield to bribe Peggy into staying at the table and giving him a discreet handy-j under a napkin, but she's just too worked up about her nomadic dinner guests.  She gives eavesdropping Tamra the boot and storms into her powder room like a bad-ass ATF agent about to make the biggest bust of her career.  She lays down the law for Alexis: You either A, compose yourself or B, you leave.  Hand to Gawd that's what she said. Who new Pegster had it in her, right? Of course in the real world Peggy would actually be correct, but adult behavior and common-sense social-reasoning have no place at an ADP. Alexis is offended and a new battle is born: Pegster vs. Alexis.  Stay tuned.

Peggy returns to the table.  Tamra and Vicki are back too. Somehow the conversation turns to happy marriages and that's all Vicki and Donn need to hear in order to start bickering and nitpicking. It's something about why they didn't have children together way back when they first got married.  I don't know...and I don't really care.  These two are so over each other it's only sad to watch. My ears perk up when Donn calls Vicki a bitch. !!!  I know, I didn't like it either...as with earlier in the evening, I just expect more from him. C'mon Donn, please don't go out like this. Please.


By the way, while all of the above is happening, Alexis is STILL in the bathroom. In the midst of the Vicki/Donn/we-didn't-have-kids debacle Tamra manages to make a dig at Gretchen by looking her right in the face and saying a man should always take care of his kids. Whooosh! Gretchen gets up and stomps back to the bathroom to find Alexis, along the way muttering junk like no right! and uneducated. As far as Tamra is concerned the night is a total success and she and Eddie can get on home for some raunchy, meangirl sex.
Meanwhile, back at Sadzy HQ...Gretchen tries to convince Alexis that the
 whole world is laughing at her and the only solution is to firebomb them all.
Despite Gretchen's attempts at ADP scorched earth, Alexis doesn't bite and opts to FINALLY return to the table. Even though she bought Gretchen's manipulations hook, line, and sinker she tries to make nice and apologize to the other guests. Of course Tamra and Vicki aren't buying it, but I'm over those to hens at this point. Plus, while Alexis's bizarre behavior was totally over the top, I did feel bad for her...in her own little Alexis-world that night sucked for her. During dessert Alexis tells Peggy she's disappointed in her as a friend. Pegster should've supported Alexis. Peggy's all no she dih'int. And Alexis is all it's on...but not right now in the middle of your dinner party, it's not the time. Of course that's an utterly absurd sentiment considering the crap Alexis just pulled in the bathroom...FOR OVER AN HOUR. But I have a funny feeling these two will revisit this subject again very soon. Can't wait!

Micah distract everyone with card tricks and then The Next Sade starts singing again.  There's nothing like spending the evening in the bathroom together crying and consoling to bring two girls closer, because Alexis and Gretchen are now as thick as thieves.  Alexis's mood has done a total 180, which mystifies some of the dinner guests but I know her secret...snorting lines of Jim Bellino in the bathroom for the better part of an hour often leads to mood swings and hyperactivity. That night Alexis  put WhitneyBobby circa 2003 to shame. The two, new besties start dancing together...like...like...

"From the outside looking in, you can never understand it.
From the inside looking out, you can never explain it."
~one Sister to another Sister

...like drunken sorority sisters as Tamra called it. Of course Tamra's dead right, but I just love how rich it is when Tamra Barney starts picking apart other peoples' social behavior.  It's so wrong it's right. It's so bad it's good.  You get what I'm saying...I can stop now.

The evening finally winds down and the Double Daters stagger back to their limo. Vicki has a total melt down and if I didn't know better I would think she was coming back to earth from some sort of high herself.  She takes it out on Donn per usual and they bicker all the way home.  

THE END

3 comments:

  1. You.are.awesome at recapping. I nearly died when I scrolled down to those wax lips!!! BAH haha!

    I agree with what you said about Donn. I didn't like seeing him stoop to the hens' level, with the exception of the limo ride home when he did his impression of Alexis: "How can I eat my asparagus without my best frieeeeeeend?!?!" I screamcacklelaughed and rewound that to watch it again.

    Love your blog. xo

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  2. Girl, I was all kinds of anxious just reading your recap again. Thanks a lot for giving me the ADP poops.

    MWAH!
    Shan

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  3. Yes Cindy! I forgot about that bit in the limo--maybe I was too distracted by VIcki's head spinning around and the projectile vomiting? On the whole though, Donn Gunvalson is better than that. Glad you like the recaps xo

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