Sunday, May 22, 2011

Miss me?

Hello my sweet, yet always spunky, kittens! I've missed you...have you missed me? It's okay if you don't want to say, but I know that during my hiatus some of you may have felt a little...

And I know that when blogger went down, a few of you out there were straight up...

RED FACED, BOOGER SNOT, UGLY CRY

I know, I know...it was a challenging time. A desperate time even.  Harder for some more than others, but that's neither here nor there.

These bloggy shenanigans I'm pulling are purely a labor of love--entertainment for me, as well as for you. A hobby. Nothing more, nothing less. Consequently I am distracted from my Brassy-duties  by things that are not pertinent to this particular web log. You dig? To make matters worse I haven't even had the spare minute to swing by my usual neighborhood haunts blogs. This post is here to let you know that I'm back...back on the World Wide Web and itching to recap.

I've been (kind of) keeping on top of all the usual Bravo-ness.  It was dicey for a while since I had to watch the Celtics get schooled by Miami like a bunch of knock-kneed fat kids--that hurt and made me sad like Paris going to the clink. But I dealt, as I usually do when it comes to my darling love-'em-and-leave-'em C's.  But really I've been all about the real life Brassiness that's been occurring as well.  It's the end of the school year. That means lots going on at school, dance recitals, rehearsals, field trips and the like. In the middle of which I had to suddenly fly out of town. Fly? Fly?! Flying around willy-nilly is rarely never on the list of crap that takes me away from my domestic drudgery. 

Needless to say, around here it's a kin to what awards season is for The Zoe. And I'm talking about Season One when Tay was a grouchy bitch and Brad didn't know an adhesive nipple cover from your basic nude thong. And then the storage room flooded. Plus Rog is up my ass about having a baby...I'm not getting any younger...but I don't want to get fat and be distracted from my Hermes cuffs and vintage Chanel. And plus, do I really want to have a child with a man who may or may not be a closeted homosexual? Oh wait, I slipped into pretend for a minute.  Surry.
Buh. Nan. Uhs.

Plus, Spring is finally sprunging up in ma' grill, and that means Spring Fever is spreading like the bubonic plague in my world. The lil' Brassies have lost their minds.  Add to that we have two chocolate labs and those bitchez are shedding like nothing I've ever seen, and apparently with each hair they drop on my kitchen floor they lose a little of their already questionable canine-sanity. Damn dogs, I'd hate 'em if I didn't love 'em so much.

Kind of like how I feel about Bethenny Frankel.  Eff me if it wouldn't be easy to hate her if she wasn't so full of edgy, underdog, smart and snarky wonderfulness. Sometimes she's a little tough to take, but my hat is off to her in just about every way. I mean, really...
 her post-baby body issues...please. 
humor...humor that I dig. BIG time.
good friends
oh dear gawd
success in so many ways
she even made this look cool.
kind of.
okay, not really.

And even though Bethenny denied it, don't you think that selling Skinny Guuuuuurl for an estimated 120 million dollars was the ultimate FUCK YOU to all those ass wipes over at RHONY. I mean, how long has she been wanting to say...

KISS MY ASS JILL ZARIN!!

Eons. That's how long.

Speaking of FUCK YOU's, let's talk about the programming Armageddon that Andy Cohen is single handedly orchestrating. Three Housewives at once? NO, I say. It's just too much. NO!

But I'm still watching.

I watched 'Mona talk endlessly about how wonderful she is in every way; Cindy and Jill seriously bond over their 'Mona-phobia...watch yourself Cindy, you're dancing with the devil gurl. Jill is working on some WWE smack down shit between Cindy and 'Mona...and it's gonna be rich.  Rich! I watched Sonja try to be fabulous while admitting that the only way she can staff her house is with unpaid interns who are actually the bilingually challenged children of her friends in Europe.  Times are hard for us all Sonja, way to take your hits on the chin.  Speaking of Sonja, I watched this too...

And that made me  take a break from watching.  Yikes. That hurts. Figuratively, but literally too...look at that bruise. For real?! And the cellulite. And the all-around full cooter shot. Stop now Andy, stop!  I managed to finish watching Jill complete dental school with an assist from Cindy...and then fight with a drunken 'Mona at 'Mona's wine tasting extravaganza.  Kind of boring, but I'm nothing if not committed.

I saw Kelly shop for 900 dollar shoes and then drive off in her pick up truck.  With a cap on it. In Manhattan.  I guess that means I watched her being "real". Who knew?

Oooo! I also watched The Cuntess offer up Jill's koala to 'Mona...I wish that was a euphemism, or code for something or other, but it isn't. That's just how it went down. And it was supposed to be very significant. But it wasn't. I also watched Sonja and LuAnn--who's cunty-ness has reached epic levels--decide that the best way to bring the RHNY crew back together is to travel to a third world country and play in the sand. Morocco! The Cuntess swears it's just like Paris. Huh?? Is Bravo so hard up for drama that they're dragging these women to a country where you  must  dress modestly, camels are a legit mode of transport, and you really shouldn't leave your hotel unless you have a very savvy companion with you?  I suffered through Sex and The City 2 and I learned a few things, damn it.

Are you shaking your head too?

But wait, in NY it's blonds versus brunettes now too.  Sharks versus Jets. Yankees, Sox. Voldemort, Potter. Zarin, Frankel. You get it. Bravo is going to make sure this is epic.

In the OC I watched Peggy and Alexis try to hash out their dinner party shit, but it was hard for them to form words without their husbands there. Oh, I watched a herd of fur vests go whine (yes, w-h-i-n-e) tasting. I watched Vicki fall apart..and god damn if it isn't a little bit sad. She still sucks, but sucky people can be sad sometimes too.  It was super fun to watch Slade's mom come to town and give him nine kinds of shit about his work, relationship, and life in general.  Good times.  I watched Bravo try to get something going with some kiss between Tamra and Fernanda (she's back!!). I don't care.

I'm still watching...are you?

Gretchen went to Texas to promote her sweat shop schwag on a local morning show.  Slade was her minion and she made sure everyone knew it.  That was really fun to watch. Gretchen's trip to Texas meant I watched a contrived Housewives road trip to visit Gretchen. It was just Fernanda, Peggy, and Alexis. Alexis is vapid, clueless, and down right dumb, but she's not mean and nasty so I'll give her gold stars for that...Lord knows she's in a Brassy-gold-stars deficit being married to Jimbo, so she needs whatever she can get.  Watching her means I'm supposed to care she has an issue with food...but I don't.  Get in line Alexis, get in line. I'll tell you what I didn't watch: Gretchen talk about her future with Slade. Barf. Barf, barf, barf. VOMIT.  Back in the OC I watched Tamra fake-cry about Simon being arrested for throwing a dog leash in front of one of their kids. Eddie is her rock. Vicki is her shoulder, on which she cries. And JEANNA effing KEOUGH is the monkey on Tamra's reality-tv back.  I didn't enjoy one minute of watching rosacea-riddled Keough ride Tamra for giving shit to that dickweed Simon. Jeanna and Simon are friends, and that's gross. Go away Jeanna, you are a sad sack and you must leave now.

And she did.

Today on Facebook Andy promised me that the OC would be high drama, with a Knots Landing flair.  Nice 80's-prime-time-soap-opera reference AC. I like it. So I will watch...and recap properly.

And of course I watched all 90 MINUTES (!!!!) of the premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Because they've had me since the cat-suit promo for ages. I have mixed feelings about NJ, but I'm going to watch. And recap. I quit them last year like Bethenny quit NY: cold and fast. I couldn't participate, even passively, in that heinous, nasty, vile display.  And by the by, I'm not even that into the Manzos...Mama Bear doesn't do it for me, and I don't really give two shits about her kids. The good looking one, or the funny one.

Chris is kind of funny though, isn't he?

But it's a new year, with two new cast members.  And I'm dying to watch 'Tree get raked over the red-hot Italian coals by her family.  But let me be clear about one thing: just because you look good next to The Giudices Guerrillas that doesn't mean that you are actually good. Not by a long shot.  How I'm going to write about all the Joes is beyond me, but I'm a smart cookie so I'll think of something.


SGM got down and dirty with the RHNJ premier, and gawd knows I loved every word of her take so I'm sending you over there for a fix.  However, since most of you came to me from her to begin with, I'm guessing you've already tasted the nectar of recap-blogging gods. SG (SGM if you're nasty) and I  discussed the challenge of reading each other's recaps and trying not to full on plagiarize each other--a task about as surmountable as 'Mona kicking the bottle. So I'm keeping mum on the NJ premier.  And I'm enjoying reading, and re-reading her post. Kingdom of Jesus? Is that where we're headed this season? For fuck's sake.

I'll have tons to say next week about NJ. And OC. And NY.

And what about Million Dollar Decorators?!? Or maybe that's a different post all together...

See you soon to chat up the second to last episode of Season Six RHOC. Let's give these bitchez a proper send off, right?

xo

7 comments:

  1. So glad you are back! I kept checking your blog for some recaps..and was so happy to see that you posted today!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank Gawd you're back, that's all I have to say.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's about damn time, woman! Do NOT do that to me again. Or at least give me a heads up so I don't pee myself.

    That is all.

    The Management

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMay 23, 2011

    I'm glad you're back, I can't wait to read your recaps!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Glad to see you again! Needed some diversion from the Joplin tornado sitch. :( Watching NY and OC but cannot force myself to find time for NJ.

    Can't wait to read your take on Gretchen's comments (and makeup! ew!) at the end of last night's ep. xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousMay 24, 2011

    I was like this all week at work...
    http://electricspoofaloo.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Heidi-crying.jpeg

    I desperately needed a reason to tear myself from my inbox.
    Welcome back!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for such a warm welcome! Duty called and I answered...but DAMN! if it doesn't feel good to be back.

    Anon (#2)--that picture of Heidi has been downloaded for future use. Sadly, I know that picture was taken during her stint on I"m a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here. My knowledge is vast and my memory a steel trap.

    Cindy--that drag queen make up shot was just for you...sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words. Sadly that's about all the distraction I can offer from the devastation in the mid-West. Watching the news has been heart breaking for all of us; my hope is that I can give you a giggle and smile with this silly little blog.

    Shan--your stern words are well deserved. Again, my humblest of apologies.
    Kate--you're the good cop to Shan's bad cop. I get it.
    Pischina--I like your style gurl. Sassy.

    ReplyDelete

Have at it darlings...