Thursday, April 14, 2011

RHOC recap: heaps and heaps of Housewife love

Big Brassy apologies for being so tardy for the party...unk-cha unk-cha unk-cha (that's how I type a club-beat, so deal with it). I'm out straight battling a wicked cold that won't go away and stuffing all the Brassy family suitcases for April vacation, a task a kin to a jailbreak from Sing Sing. So here you have it my kittens, this week's better-late-than-never RHOC recap. My plan is to recap RHNY at the airport. What do you think the odds are that that'll happen? xoxo

After the whirlwind Episode One of RHNY the familiar, melodic dinky-donk music of RHOC was almost soothing. Almost. That is until I felt the tingly pins and needles sensation of my brain falling asleep. This week the ladies have gone their separate ways, so per most of the rest of the season we delve deeper into the cluster-fucks that are their personal lives. Translation: I'm bored.  Is there no happy medium Bravo?! For the love of god...I miss Jeff Lewis. [pout]

I have decided to relax...as soon as I make sure everybody else is miserable
 (sounds about right)
First up Vicki appeases her family's desire for quality time by floating around the marina in a rubber raft with a drunken Donn at the helm. Good times. This whole segment is part of the running commentary of how little Vicki has in her life besides work. Riveting. She communes with her brethren, the seagulls (or "rats of the sky" as I've taught my kids),  by squawking and screeching up and  down the pier. Is this the biggest? Raaawwwwk! I want the biggest boat! Raaawwwk! It never ends with her. They get on perhaps the smallest  boat and hit the open sea...not quite, but you get it.  Vicki is fine as long as her stream of consciousness is allowed to escape through her obnoxious pie hole: why would anyone ever fish? Go to a fish market! Brianna, don't drink so much! Donn, your very existence makes me want to dive into the paper shredder at Coto Insurance and never come out!  Everything is fine until Vick decides it's not; she starts to pout and mutter about work.  What a departure.

Tamra is back in her home away from home: the ass-end of a stretch limo. She and Eddie head to Spain for her birthday. Sounds good. And Tamra seems truly grateful for the experience ...or maybe she's just psyched for the laissez faire European attitude towards sexual relations.  Limo small-talk turns into a rehash of the botox party and the dire consequences of Tamra's pepper spray joke: a harsh text from Alexis.  Wrong time and wrong place  texts a pissed  Alexis. Tamra fails to see the error of her ways and makes a crack about how next time I'll bring a dildo instead! Yes Tamra, bringing a dildo along would do wonders for your image this season. Would it be a solo mission, or would Eddie join you again? Or maybe you could invite Fernanda and eff with her head just a little more? Wait...is she joking about the dildo bit? Hard to know. I notice that Eddie looks about as bored with the pepper-spray talk as I am.

What are you wearing for the swim-wear
portion of the competition?
Now  the opposition pow-wows about the pepper-spray incident of 2010. Alexis and Gretchen get together to work out, or compete in the sportswear portion of the Ms. Orange County pageant ...based on their appearance it's a very tough call. Apparently Vicki emailed Alexis to apologize for her part in the pepper-spray. Whoa whoa WHOA! Adult behavior and personal accountability have no part in this equation;  it's going to throw off the whole calculated dynamic. I'm pissed. And a little worried. So is Alexis, but for different reasons; she's sick of the friendly fire ruining her "events". But Alexis, my sweet, sweet angel, if it wasn't for bullshit like this there wouldn't be much of a show, now would there?  Is your bedazzled Bebe work-out top so tight it's cut off circulation to your overly done-up noggin? But don't worry faithful viewers, Gretchen gets it: she refuses to admit that her drunken bitchiness, calculated instigating, and evil-eye-hat-wearing behavior in Episode One was anything but appropriate. She freezes up when Alexis says otherwise. Interview-Gretchen admits that Tamra is witty, but her timing is lousy...unlike her own timing, which she thinks is spot on. Gretchen also clearly finds herself quite amusing. Right Gretchen, like all great comedians your timing is pure genius.  A regular Richard Prior.
not funny. ever.
Next we meet up with Pegster. She's talking about her feelings. Again.  But this time she's ditched the hocus-pocusalistic route for a new solution to her mommy related melancholy: new tits! She had her consult last week, and this week the saline is going in. Interview-Pegster says that pumped up knockers are the next step to get through postpartum depression--this will make me feel better about myself. Eff me if that doesn't make about 9,000 cc's of perfect common sense. But we all have crosses to bare, and it seems Pegster's elective-surgery worry-wort is flaring up.  Peggy goes under anyway and Micah pops into the surgery to asses the sizing.  Interesting...and definitely gross...I didn't realize that was an option. When Peggy (kind of) wakes up Micah is all up in her grill with praise. You did great!  He's got a really ugly plastic flower for her filled with diamond earrings as a reward for getting new boobs. These people are aliens to me. And another thing, isn't it the doctor that should be praised and lavished with gifts--he did all the work. Pegster just laid there. Am I wrong?
New booby-prize
Next we go to the scene of the crime: Coto Insurance. Vicki just loves it there. Love love love. She's respected there, damn it. And now I get why. It's a fucking frat house and she's the god-damn den-mother who buys them all beer. We see a charicature portrait of Vicki and her barely-legal-to-drink workforce. You know, like the one's you get at the mall or a carnival.  But a really, really klassy one. It's titled My People. Puuuuurfect. Vicki's management style isn't too different from the off-hours Vicki: totally fucking bizzare. One of her (very few) female employees upped and left work yesterday without any warning. Vicki shows her some highly inappropriate  tough-love and asks said employee if she thinks she deserves to be spanked.  No dear, it's not a trick question--Manager Vicki is dead serious. I squeezed my eyes shut because I don't like violence, so I missed the rest of that  interaction.
That's a good, little office manager, no running with
 scissors. Such a smart boy. Your work-mommy loves
 you so, so,so much. Do you need a wipey?
Despite the bouncers at the door strictly enforcing the age-limit of no one over 23, Donn sneaks into Vicki's office.  But he's just there to get his soul-mate: Walter, the pug. And Walter's pee-stained bed.  Living the dream Donn, living the dream. Vicki gives him the brush off; but no worries, paw in hand Donn and Walter walk off into the sunset together.

Next we meet up with Gretchen and Slade, who've been hard at work the last few episodes planning Gretchen's parents' 40th wedding anniversary surprise.  This week we see the results.  And it's not bad.  It's kills me to say it, I'm a little twitchy and feel some hives coming on, but there was a fare amount of thought and work that went into it and I must...give...credit.  Balls.  It wasn't  my style, but it was sweet. Even though Mr. Gretchen's Dad skeeves me out, her parents seemed to really enjoy it and that was the point.   Most of the talk was more about Gretchen's thoughts on marriage, and Gretchen and Slade getting married, but I ignored it.
Gretchen's parents in the day
Gretchen's parents now...showing their appreciation...
...by kissing their adult-daughter on the mouth.

I do not support this sort of display. Ever. Never ever.
We take a break from the Rossi love-fest in southern California, to join the Eddie/Tamra's love-fest in Seville, Spain.  Plenty of dinky-donk music fills the air while the happy couple wanders the streets, in matching white, flowy, cotton outfits, and Eddie takes a gazillion pictures of his lov-er. It's baby-this and baby-that, baby, baby, baby--which drives me insane, but telling the t.v. to shove it doesn't seem to help. 
Please note the coordinating ensembles
They hit a cafe and the conversation get's serious. Eddie brings up the subject of kids. Their own kids.  Tamra starts scratching her eyeballs and frantically searching for the nearest exit.  I don't really blame her, she's forty-something and already has four kids. However, she manages to recover quickly, and I really dislike what she does next. Interview-Tamra tells us that she's got to reel him in and Spain-Tamra agrees to talk babies with Eddie and says she wouldn't mind a little Eduardo. Creepy.  Do not tell someone you'll have kids if you don't mean it. It's simple. But this wouldn't be the first simple choice we've watched Tamra screw up, would it?

Next up it's new-titty show and tell:
Gurl? Where your boobs at gurl? I want those things to
smack me in the face when I walk in the room. At least that's
 what ma' king says is in the bible.
Alexis shows up, casseroles in hand, for a boob-off with a post-op Pegster. Great, another bit of competition for these two.  Although Alexis is very complimentary to Peggy's face (and fun bags), Interview-Alexis clearly has strong reservations about the size, saying Peggy obviously doesn't want to be as...as...well endowed as me. And this is a bad thing? She clearly doesn't understand why Peggy didn't get the biggest fake boobies she could muster...I mean, what's the point if you don't practically tip over?! I ask you! They have a weird conversation about their toddlers' thoughts on boob-jobs, chat up Alexis's dress line, and call it a tit-tastic day.

Back to Gretchen/Slade/Gretchen's parents. They're at a vineyard for the final element of the anniversary surprise: vow renewal. In case you couldn't guess by now, I'm not the most sentimental person; and I'm not one for vow-renewal. Maybe when I've been married for forty years I'll feel differently and I'll tear up and boo-hoo all over myself. 

Doubt it.

Anyvows, Gretchen's parents are ready to rock out their vow-renewal so good for them. Gretchen and her mom girl it up with a very ugly dress and some make-up.  Slade and Gretchen's dad, Scott, sit down for a heart to heart. It was all about Gretchen and Slade marrying: will they, or won't they? Scott is supportive of whatever Gretchen wants to do. Scott tells Slade, and Gretchen tells the camera, that Gretchen is gun-shy after one failed marriage and a fiance who died. Fair play. Slade pushes the issue. Interview-Slade tells us that he thinks Gretchen is living out her wedding fantasy via this anniversary celebration for her parents. Cut to Interview-Gretchen saying the complete opposite--she did it because she loves her parents.  Slade wants a ring and Gretchen is not going to scratch that itch any time soon. End of story. But Slade knows this is his golden-ticket to camera time, so he's going for it. Vomit.

We vamanos over to Tamra and Eddie driving through the Spanish countryside. Tamra and Eddie are purrrr-fect for each other.  Baby, baby, baby. Interview-Tamra says that when you've been through several relationship and a couple divorces [gulp] you start to get a sense of when a relationship really works. Oooooooookay Tamra, sounds like some classic Housewife-logic. But I guess you've got to grow up sometime, and Tamra Barney has decided that 43 years-old is as good a time as any. 

Next we're back to this:

But that's not all, there's this too:
THE MOST DISTRACTING MANICURE EVER

(even next to four sparkly carats, that mani is all I see)
We're watching Gretchen's parents renew their vows, but all I'm hearing is Slade whine about marrying Gretchen. And Gretchen whine about not marrying Slade. As if I haven't thrown up enough for these two. The highlight is the pastor,  who originally married Gretchen's parents 40 years ago. I'm nervous he might keel over into the coy pond, but he stays upright. Then he says 40 years ago blah blah blah...we really didn't marry you, we just allowed you to go at it like you've never gone at it before. What. The. Fuck? You mean: like go at it like bunnies? Huh? Is that appropriate? I didn't get it. No one else even flinched. I was confused. And then it was over. Disturbing.

I am curious about one thing: where are Gretchen's siblings? I'm pretty sure she's one of three. Do they find her as obnoxious as I do and ditched the whole thing? I legit wonder about these things.

We wrap up Episode Six in Spain. Tamra braves the mean streets by herself to wrangle up a surprise picnic for Eddie. She has a pretty funny interaction with a shop keeper who ignores her.  She insults him, only to discover he speaks English.  Way to represent Uhmurica Tamra. Her parting shot to the rude shop keeper is I hope you get laid someday. Niiiice.

The way too happy couple head to the beach to snack. They toast to happiness. They tell each other you make me want to be amazing.  Interview-Tamra says Eddie loves me for who I am...Simon's love was conditional.  Happy, happy, happy. Baby, baby, baby.  They hump a little on  the sand. Go swimming. And then hump standing up.

Barf.
 humpy sandy Spanish vacation love
And we're done.

All told, I found this RHOC episode to be a dead-boring portrait of icky Housewife love.  Vicki loves her job. And her baby employees...too much. Vicki's family wants to love her, but god damn if that isn't a tall order. Gretchen loves her parents, and their marriage....a little too much? Micah gave much diamond-love to Pegster's new boobies. Alexis loves her bigger boobies more. Slade loves to talk about marrying Gretchen. And Tamra and Eddie love each other an effing nauseating ton.  But I'm hopeful that all this love is just the calm before next week's pepper-spray fallout shit storm.

Oh yeah, no Fernanda again this episode. Carry on.

3 comments:

  1. As always, I LOL'd way too often to be appropriate -- and snorted at least 3 times. Poor drunken Donn. I remember when I actually thought Vicki was the sane one of the bunch. Ahh, delusions. And, yes, they're all aliens. I don't care how "normal" Alexis is trying to be this season. She's only one step away from the psycho-religious nut and I'm waiting for it to return. You're awesome - enjoy the breakout from Sing Sing, and the laundry when you're back.

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  2. i just about died at the "humypy sandy Spanish vacation love" LOL thanks for the recap. I have yet to watch this mess!!

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  3. I'm tardy for the party here too reading this post so late! I just have to say a big amen to everything you recapped here! Hope you are having a fabulous vacation!

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