Thursday, April 21, 2011

RHOC recap: brief thoughts on bimbosity

So remember the senile old lady crashing willy nilly through Florida stop signs and the like in her Caddy? From the last RHNY post?? I'm resurrecting her for this post. And this time she's gonna get her way. Pushy old broad. I don't know if this will be a recap, so much as my thoughts on a few items from Episode Seven of RHOC. It aired waaaay back last Sunday. An eternity in Housewifery. So I'm going to go bullet point on your sweet asses; try an' keep up.

Are you sure the holy water won't blister our skin?
  • Tamra is home from Spain and reunites with her main bitch, Vick. They hug it out and exchange religious paraphernalia. Holier than thou seems to be a universal housewife theme.
  • Tamra didn't tell Simon she went to Spain. He found out, was pissed, and camped out at her house while she was away and her mother was there watching her kids. DICK WAD. Imagine having him for an ex? And one with whom you must co-parent? You reap what you sow Tamra, you little minx.
  • They heart-to-heart about the pepper spray incident and decide that Alexis is owed a huge, heartfelt apology; they were dead wrong. No, not really. Not at all. I lied.
  • The interweb says the Bellinos are in foreclosure. Vicki and Tamra bow their heads for a moment of silence and then don black arm bands as show of sympathy for Alexis and Jim's misfortune.  Ooopsy daisy I lied again, didn't I?  Tamra's hoping to short sell the Bellinos house...one guess as to what Vicki thinks.

    Ugh. Getchen is next. Here are the highlights...if that's what you want to call them:
    Gretchen Christine Beauté corporate headquarters.
    • Gretchen's pissed her boyfriend and her dogs are fat...my boys are fat...why is all you guyses fat? [sic]. And no, I didn't take any poetic license and fiddle with her grammar, that's vintage Rossi.
    •  Tubba Wubba...Tubba Wubba...Tubba Wubba...so effing old, not funny, and annoying.  I'm pissed that every times she calls Slade by that clever little nickname I am forced to feel something a kin to pity for him. I resent that. I stop myself from feeling sorry for Slade as soon as I sense it coming on, but still...Plus, I have limited sympathy-reserves and Donn Gunvalson requires and deserves all I can muster.
    I'll tell you what else I resent. This:
    BARF FACE
    Interview-Gretchen hurts my eyeballs.



    Moving on from one super sweetzies couple to another:
    enjoying quality time with without Donn
    • Donn and Vick de-stress and spend time together. By spending time apart. They go to the spa together and get messages in separate rooms. See, I told you Donn needed my support. Via a time-lapse montage we watch Vicki talk to her masseuse about work work work; meanwhile, Donn falls asleep during his massage. Poor guy didn't even get a happy ending.
    • After Donn and I renewed our vows we really decided to make an effort to spend time together...the problem for me is finding time to spend with Donn. Good for you Vicki.  Keep blaming it on time management, not the fact that you don't like your husband and just don't want to be married anymore because you're too effing lazy and selfish.  She reminds me of a teenage boy who's too much of a pussy to break up with his girlfriend, so he treats her like a worthless pile of shit until she does the dirty work for him. ...Sorry, must've flashed back to college or something.
    • Turns out Vicki's little trip she was telling Tamra about will be six weeks long. As the spouse of someone who travels (and works) a ton the problems start when you feel that your spouse would rather be at work than with you--I've never gotten this feeling in the pit of my gut, but my guess is that Donn has pleeenty of times.


    • Next it's another MENSA reunion. Peggy and Micah have dinner with Gretchen and Slade.  This is the exact couples-out-to-dinner dynamic that my husband has in mind when he tries to avoid certain dinner invitations. No matter though, Peggy's roaring to debut the new twins...
    ...and here they are!
    What do you know, they did make her happier. Atta gurl Pegster.
    • Since Slade is such a douche bag looser the usual, generic topics of dinner conversation are off limits--parenting and work.  It's awkward.
    • There's a quick tutorial on the various types of wedding rings that OC women sport: a day ring, a night ring, a work out ring, etc.  Slade says the only thing Gretchen'll get is a soda pop ring. Aaaaand it just got awkward again.
    • Micah eases the tension by revealing that nightly blow-jobs are the key to happy marriage. Oooops, that was awkward too.
    • Peggy genuinely asks the waitress if the dry ice in the cocktails has any ickies in them that would make her sicky wicky...since like all half-plastic people she's way into natural, holistic living. Great, now the waitress feels awkward too. 
    • Then Peggy "tests" allergy riddled Micah's reaction to some of the Gretchen Christine Beauté products.  (I love that this show allows me to write that last sentence. Love.) Does she dab a little on his hand? Hell to the no. He holds them (in the packaging) in one hand and and she tries to separate his tip-touching fingers on the other hand. If she can't then he's not allergic, if she can then he is. This is called "the muscle test". And it's.....AWKWARD!
    • Peggy says she's still sorting through all the weird dynamics of OC Housewives as she continues to get to know all the cast. Gretchen and Slade promptly and mercilessly bash Tamra. It's not awkward at all.

    • Up next Gretchen and Slade bring their fat dogs to the vet.  The vet is told Slade is fat too, and is asked if there's anything that can be done short of putting him down. Vegas-style interview-Gretchen tells the camera I don't want anything in my life to be fat. Gawd, what's not to love about her? I mean, tell me one thing that doesn't work about Gretchen Rossi.

    • Peggy and Tamra lunch together...during which Tamra made suckling noises and gurgled a few infantile "ma-mas" towards Peggy's new tits. If you haven't actually seen this episode I know that you think I'm kidding. I'm not. I'm a truth-teller.
    • Interview-Peggy lists several astrological reason why Tamra (and Vicki) are bound to be good friends.  Normal.
    • While discussing the wonders of their respective younger-men soul-mates they manage to bash Jim Bellino's (lack of) parenting skills. Big ups ladies--that almost makes  up for the titty talk and astromumbojumbo.

    • Next Vicki and Donn go on the most awkward first date ever.  Oh wait...what? They've been married for 14 years? Ooooo, not good. Of course it's exacerbated by the dinky-donk music (laced with bits of super-sadsy instrumentals), and the spliced in nuggets of interview-Vicki making non-sensical excuses for her shit marriage. The fact that they interview each other job-hunting style about their (very different) five-years plans doesn't help either. 
    Confused as to the meaning of a "no fault" state.

    • Fatz and Slim are back. This time at the doggy park to skinny down Rocco and Vitto, and turns out Slade too. He's wearing a homemade "Rocco and Vitto Bootcamp" t-shirt that my three year-old made out of her old puff paints. This man  has NO shame. None.
    • Gretchen depletes Slade of any remaining dignity by making endless not-funny fat jokes. He calls her out on it...at least doing it in public anyway.
    • They fight. She pouts and drives off. He runs home (which is probably for the best, let's face it).
    • The sad thing is that I'm pretty sure Rocco and Vitto barely got any exercise; and Canine obesity is no laughing matter.
    Gretchen Christin Beauté waterproof mascara in action.
    Go on gurl, that shit works.

    • Finally we finish Episode Seven with Tamra heading over to Alexis's new house to talk out the pepper-spray fiasco of 2010. Before they duke it out we're given a tour of Alexis's soon-to-be-foreclosed-upon new house. Tamra ooogles and ogles the Bellino's ginormous house that they can't afford--she rhetorically asks my gawd, how big is this house?! Alexis earnestly replies: 6,900 sq ft. Not for long Alexis, not for long.


    THEN THIS HAPPENS:

    BIG DADDY BELLINO SEXIN' IT UP
    Or ma'King...if you're nasty

    (please note the undone belt buckle, hairy man-cleavage, and of course thee watch)
    • I don't know what occurred after this little beauty caught my eye, as my corneas were involuntarily shut down by this single image, which was casually displayed on one of the Bellino's many tasteful hallway consoles. And in a home with three small children. The horror.

    So there you have it kittens, my version of an abridged RHOC Episode Seven recap. Tomorrow we're leaving Marco Island, Florida and life will return to normal. As an homage to this truly lovely vacation destination (I'm for realz, it nicety nice here), I leave you with a few pictures. Enjoy my loves...

    The whole real estate thing is still a little wacky down here.
    Case in point:

    That's an open house sign in the middle of an empty lot filled with brush.

    Still building though.
    So quaint.
     A manatee bj'ing a mailbox.
    Klassy with a 'K'

    And last but not least:
    Carmela!! You's home??

    Brassy, you're such a judgey bitch.

    Yes I know, you're welcome and I love you too.
    XO

    7 comments:

    1. LOL again! Gretchen is just nails on a chalkboard for me if she says "tubba wubba" one more time (I felt disgust even just typing that) I may turn off this show forever (or let's face it just, fast forward through her scenes!)

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    2. LOL...did you see Tamara and her twins on Andy's wrap up show....ewwwww!

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    3. OMG the picture of ma' King-how in thee hell did I miss that! And then the BJ'ing Manatee!!! You are going to kill poor Shannan!

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    4. I don't know if Mindy above is talking about me in her comment, but she is right. I was healing nicely from ye olde tuck o the tummy until I got to your photo of ma'King. Thanks a LOT. I hope you're happy.

      merci!
      Shannan

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    5. Glad to be of service ladies, glad to be of service. That picture of Jimbo is courtesy of my iPad...when I caught a glimpse of that Glamour Shots for Men image I rewound, paused it, and just stared. Photographic evidence that aliens really are out there...because the Bellinos are not of this world, that's fer damn sure.

      It's all about muscle memory Shannan--I'm just trying to do my part and speed along the recovery process. I've got to tell you, even with the drainage tubes you've probably got me beat. I've still got my February fat and it's almost May. I've got to stop blogging and start running.

      TravelKate, I have serious issues with Gretchen. Lord knows they all amaze me, and many of them are worse than she is...but there is just something about her that I can't stomach, And you're right, she is truly grating to one's nerves. But I find comfort in the fact that she's a year younger than me and looks ten years older. Snark alert!

      I'm pretty sure that manatee was just regurgitating that mailbox, but I'm a total ingrate and had to put perverse spin on it. It's just how I see the world...my own little version of rose-colored-glasses if you will. My mother must be so proud.

      Here's to hoping the return of Jeanna will pick up the pace on RHOC. Party on kittens.

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    6. P to the S -
      Has anyone else noticed that since she launched Gretchen Boo-tay, her skin is TURRIBLE? Seriously peeps - are those huge zits covered in all that spackle she wears, or are they moles or what? Cuz that is NO way to advertise your new beauty line, now is it?

      P.S.S.
      I have always had a fond spot for Gretch - until this season. She gets on my nerves SO much I cannot hardly stand to watch her. Yet somehow I find the fortitude to power through each episode. Sigh. I'm practically a Bellino.

      KISSES!
      Shan

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    7. Shannan, my thoughts exactly regarding Gretchen.

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    Have at it darlings...