Wednesday, April 20, 2011

RHNY recap: a paint-by-numbers portrait of public service

Due to our vacation, I was tempted to blow through this recap like a half-senile, blue-haired, Florida retiree busts through a handicap parking sign with her powder-pink, Mary-Kay issued Caddy.  But Episode Two of The Real Housewives of New York was just too good, so despite the vacation-delay I must show proper respect and give it it's due. 

This episode is the before, during and after of the Marriage Equality March that Alex  yammered about endlessly for most of the previous episode.
Smiles, love, rainbows and unicorns.
This is NOT what happened.
Guess what? Alex still hasn't shut the fuck up. Gurlfriend is wack...and on a self-imposed empowerment trip of which even Oprah would disapprove. But guess who else is wack? Sonja. That's right. Their battle royale is the storyline for this episode, and methinks many episodes to come.  So with that in mind, this post comes to you along with something of a public service announcement:

If anyone has seen this woman:
Sonja Morgan knows what time it is yo.
Sonja Morgan of RHNY Season Three--aka The Original Sonja.
 Please return her to Bravo immediately.

She is missing, and feared irretrievably lost. A bizarre Season Four Sonja android impostor appears to have taken her place. The half-woman/half-machine's mission is to sound as much like an egocentric asshole as possible.  If you ever cared for the Season Three Sonja--the quirky, even slightly eccentric, but relatively kind woman we met last year--please contact Bravo with any tips or sightings. Check the Hamptons' sand dunes. Scour  the upper East-side. Dig through the lofts of funky, So-Ho artists. If she still hasn't been found, a trek to Scary Island may be in order as she could have been marooned there. Leave no stone unturned.


And in related news:

The Cuntess is back:
SANCTIMONIOUS BANDIT of BITCHINESS 
If you encounter this individual roaming the avenues and streets of Manhattan, PLEASE do not approach her. She is considered extremely boring, and armed...with a nasty case of snobbery, an inconceivable superiority complex, and the ability to patronize Steven Hawking himself. She. knows. it. all.  

In what appears to be some sort of alternate Housewife universe, from which The Cuntess and Android-Sonja hail, this woman has emerged as the resident voice-of-reason:
Sane-Kelly
Say wha?! Say who?! Say how?!

I know, right? Trust: it happened. Pigs have flown. Hell has frozen over. And Kelly Bensimon makes sense? Yes. At least in this episode.  So pay attention kittens. Sane-Kelly is real a mind-fuck.

Let's return to the march, now that I've done my part to keep you safe and aware of the dangerous and ever changing Housewife-world around you. Luann, Kelly, and Alex meet up at Sonja's house for some pre-march primping.  Here's Sonja getting ready to put others' needs before her own, with her personal hairdresser and make-up artist. To march. In the rain. For which she must be immaculately done-up. But as we soon learn, this is Sonja's day, and not the gays. But I digress...
No wonder she feels she needs an on-call make-up artist; this is what her portrait-painter boy-toy, Brian thinks she looks like:
Soooo, a long haired, anemic crypt-keeper. With split-ends, no less. Perfect. Not insulting in the least. In fact, I'd be flattered. But I'm getting ahead of myself again; more about this painting and everyone's reaction to it later.

Anymarch, the aforementioned Housewives convened to play dress up in various wedding dresses...in support of gay marriage.
Cute. Fun. Campy as Sane-Kelly called it. She was...right. Right. Right. Say it slowly and you'll get used to it. You know who wasn't right? Alex. She went on and on and on and on about the implications of wearing a wedding dress to the march--it signified this, that, and the other way-too-serious-and-over-thought pseudo-intellectual, self-important thing you could ever imagine being said at your corner coffee-house's open mic civil-rights pow-wow.  Shut up Alex.
Alex: not shutting up
EVER.
(and Sane-Kelly humoring Alex...my but the tables have turned)
The Cuntess called Alex an infomercial for gay-rights. Just because you're a snotty bitch doesn't mean you aren't right.  And Luann was dead on. Kelly rolled her eyes plenty at Alex...but for once I fully understood at what she was rolling her eyes. Amazeballs.  Truly.

But then there was Sonja. Or rather Android-Sonja. I'm the grand marshall...this is my day...you're my girlfriends, here to support me on my day...my day...I'm giving a speech...I'm worried about my speech...I'm so glad my girlfriends are here to support me on my day when I give my speech...I'm grand marshall...grand marshall...my day. If you think I'm exaggerating. You're wrong. And you should go away now. Needless to say, this turned Alex on her motherfucking head.
Franken-freak went berserk
Interview-Sane-Kelly says: I don't know if it's Alex's day, or Sonja's...but I'm here to support marriage equality. I'll be god-damned if that doesn't make sense too. Where the hell am I?!  Uuuuugggghhhh. 

The ladies go to the rally and encounter this:
Simon being not gay, but very supportive.
And just as sanctimonious and self-righteous as his wife.
In a rainbow sequined morning-coat.
Sidebar: I have nothing but admiration for Alex and Simon's obvious commitment, knowledge, and passion for what should be an already resolved (!!!) common-sense civil-rights issue.  Gold stars Van Kempens. But for the love of Gawd find a different way to get your message out there.  This isn't the first time I've encountered people sending the right message the wrong way.

I thought the Sonja/Alex situation would improve once the Housewives went out in public.  But I'm an effing moron because these are Housewives we're talking about here.  Bad Brassy. Bad!

It got worse. Both Sonja and Alex's levels of self-importance reach Defcom One:
SAYS IT ALL
Turns out Sonja "agreed" to be grand-marshall of the parade as long as no one else from her "group" spoke.  Simon was supposed to speak and consequently got the boot from the podium because of Sonja. FUCK. So they fight. At the podium.  It's bizarre. Alex practically bursts into angry-tears, and she and Simon lay into diva-Sonja. AT THE PODIUM. Simon should've shut the hell up and let Alex fight his battle, because a man fighting a woman never wins. Even when he wins, he looses. Anymorons, Sonja, Alex and Simon don't stop. Especially Alex. It's not the time, nor the place. And Kelly says so. Actually she says we are embarrassing ourselves right now. Dear Lord, she's right again....and there goes Haley's  Comet too.

Alex used the term hijacked about ten times when describing the way Sonja made the day all about her.  The key thing is: Sonja didn't make the day about herself...she thought the day was about her. She was an obnoxious, rude cow, but the march wasn't actually about her. Alex and Simon's agenda got bumped, but otherwise the march proceeded as scheduled; it was a success; an important statement was made. End of story.  Now shut up Alex.

Then Jill shows up. Perfect. Interview-Jill tells the camera she came after all because she  wanted to do the right thing...and show Alex and Simon that I am nice.  Alex blinks and re-focuses on Jill for a minute. Sonja doesn't notice the reprieve because she's too far up her own ass; Me, me, me...my, my, my. Despite her previous claims to the camera, Jill snaps at Alex to stop picking on me! While it's laugh out loud funny to hear Jill tell someone to stop bullying her, she's kind of right...damn, I hate that.  Then Ginger licks Jill's nasal cavity and we're done.
Bullying is never okay...
Trust me, I'm Jill Zarin and I've been trying to get away with it for 40 years.

So after all of the talk, it's finally time for the grand marshall's speech. Sonja sucked. Hard. It was awkward. Waaaay off-point. And non-sensical.  Interview-Alex said Sonja confused gay pride with marriage equality. She's right, but no one tell her that.
You mean, they expect me to speak?
They aren't going to just gaze adoringly at me?
What kind of Sonja Is the Greatest rally is this?!
I can't even remember what the march was about at this point, but it's over...however as far as the Housewives are concerned the battle has just begun.

We get a bit of a break by checking in with Cindy, who's hanging out with her brother Howie. They bicker like siblings do and it's a little annoying, but kind endearing at the same time.  They sort through the cigar thing from last week.  I won't bore you with the de\tails. The important thing was Cindy acted like a grown-up about it: Howie's a big boy...it's between him, Ramona, and Carol (Howie's girlfriend who busted 'Mona's gossip at the wedding). Atta girl Cindy, low tolerance for bullshit. I like it, but I can't help but think she's on the wrong show if that's really the case.

Speaking of bullshit: next the marriage equality crew marches across the Brooklyn Bridge and straight to Alex and Simon's for a post rally get-together. It's a madhouse filled with pathetic, insincere attempts to keep the peace. The end. Enough.

Next Sex-kitten-Sonya is back. Channeling Samantha Jones for the umpteenth time, she tells us with a wink and nod that Brian's been given the Sonja pill--implying that he now addicted to her love a la Robert Palmer. Vomit. She visits her kept man at his loft to check up on a painting that he's doing of her. The rough draft, if you will, is a little scary looking but I figure every artist has a trademark style and this is Brian's, take it or leave it.
I'd need a pill to tap that too.
Sonja doesn't share my sentiment. She wants DaVinci or bust...and she let's Brian know it.  This isn't just any painting after all, this will be the showpiece in an art party that Sonja's having at her townhouse later on this week.  She complains about how saggy her tits look in the portrait and breezes out the door.

Sonja and Luann have lunch. It's a nine course meal, and every dish comes with a heaping side of sanctimony. What a bunch of bitches. They couldn't have come across as more affected and superior if they'd tried. They rehash the rally and they get off by discussing how far above Alex and Simon they consider themselves.  LuAnn says, for the first of many times, that Alex has finally found her voice and now she needs to be quiet. This may be the first and only witty, clever thing The Cuntess has ever said, so she repeats it a gazillion times through out the episode.

Right-o! Let's cause some trouble, shall we?
We come up for air from Sonja-thon and find ourselves at another "event". This time it's Ramona's table at a charity dinner sponsored by Gucci. She invited a few friends to her very exclusive and expensive table--the usual suspects like Alex and Simon, Sonja, and some others.  Alex fills her in the march--her eyes bug, her jaw clenches and juts out of her face. Ramona keeps to the middle of the road and stays relatively mum.  She's more distracted by the fact that even though she intentionally did not invite Kelly, Kelly seems to have shown up anyway as Sonja's guest.  Ramona has been giving Kelly a wide berth since Scary Island and didn't invite her because she didn't want her evening to be wrecked. Interview-Sane-Kelly calmly informs us that she's there because even though 'Mona didn't invite her, Mr. Gucci did so she thought she'd go. Ha! Kelly stays for a minute, but leaves before the sit-down dinner even begins.  Crisis averted. But not to worry, 'Moner chats Sonja up about the march, Alex, and Simon. Oh 'Mona, you little shit stirrer.

Since this episode is obscenely Sonja-centric,  next we find ourselves back at sugar-mama-Sonja's house for the Brian Farrell art party. Turns out "art party" is Housewife speak for down-and-dirty street fighting. Alex arrives, diva/Android-Sonja pulls her aside to supposedly clear the air, but instead all hell breaks loose. Even though most of us have already seen it, I feel this story is best told with visual aids...after all, it must be seen to be believed.
It's hard to tell, but that's Sonja and Alex in the middle
and 'Mona and Kelly (insane version) on the right.
Heads were knocked, skulls were crushed, and ego irrevocably bruised.
Unaware of the cage fight she's about to involuntarily enter, Alex agrees to chat. Sonya says she wants to talk with Alex, but it's more of a talking-to. Or a scolding. Or berating. Sonya was wackadoodle-condescending: I don't want...what's your husband's name? Simon, right?...I don't want Simon in my ear like that ever again...and a bunch of other bullshit. Oh crap, here we go.

So Alex is all:
Yeah well, you're on the Homeland Security watch list.
 Along with all the other hijackers.

...and  of course I don't know my husband's name, I'm trying to forget he exists.

And then Sonya's all:
It's my understanding that peasants like you  are dumber than a box of rocks,
so I'll repeat myself: This ear. Right here. This is the one I don't want
what's-his-name in ever again. Lick my feet Brooklyn-ite plebeian. 
And that's the civil part. When Alex rises way above her social station and sasses Sonja back, Sonja promptly kicks her out of her house (go back and read the last part again, it's okay to). A bold move on android-Sonja's part to say the least. It was a legit kick-out, as well as the official RHNY Season Four line-in-the-sand. Punches were thrown. Boundaries crossed. Bells wrung. Sides picked. Whatever you want to call it,  this is it kittens so buckle up.

Alex is gobsmacked. And pissed. Her back is up and she refuses to retreat. The terrier like tenacity with which she went after Sonja after being told to leave was epic.  Alex followed Sonja around her house pathetically trying to get the last word in and set the world right, the whole time seemingly unaware that Sonja was leading her to the door to dump her on the to the curb like a bag of trash. They do something of cat-fight waltz through the other party guests:
SonjaOut of my house! You have no manners!You have no manners!Out
of my house!Out! Of! My! House!!
Alex: meep...erp...mop..da..hi..wa...jack...baa...sil...lat...ugh...don...ging...
...splat...ut...sal...doo...mit

Just then The Cuntess (and Cindy) show up. Puuuurfection:
Dahling...dahling...dahling!
Elegance is money....learning can't buy you class!
What in the blue blazes is going on here? I'm a Countess! Help me please!
The Cuntess claims she would've kicked Alex out just for the dress she was wearing. She consoles a distraught Sonja by telling her it's just as well she kicked Alex to the curb since Alex obviously doesn't belong here. Fantastic LuAnn, what a nasty piece of work you are.  It's people like you that get publicly dumped by by your husband for Ethiopian princesses. 

What.

Commercial break. Thank the Lord because I need a break and a smoke...and I don't smoke.  But there's no rest for the weary, because it's at this time Bravo decides to inform me that the RHNJ is staring up May 16. What in the hell?!? Another one?!?! Three at a time?!? This frazzles me to the point that I wish Sane-Kelly was in my family room to comfort me and explain just what Andy Cohen is trying to do to me. For realzies.

After what seems like an eternity Alex shuts up and leaves. Once she's back out on the grimy sidewalk where she belongs, Sonja's party gets back on track. And my word, what happens next should be all the retribution Alex could ever want.

Brian and Sonja unveil the completed portrait of Sonja:
The most evil looking paint-by-number's I've ever seen.
'Mona takes a stab at diplomacy and says it's wasn't the most flattering. The Cuntess golf claps. Cindy says Sonja is so much more beautiful. Who knows WHAT Sonja's thinking. And Alex is seal/hiccup/asma-laughing her sad, nerdy self all the way back to Brooklyn. Schadenfreude.

I don't really have a witty conclusion to this recap, but I'm sure that if you check Kelly Bensimon's twitter account or blog you'll find something that makes total and complete sense.

Brassy out.

PS. please excuse me from recapping the OC this week, I haven't even watched it yet. I'm looking forward to it, as I believe this is the episode where we learn what the fallout radius is for a can of pepper-spray. Good stuff, I'm sure. If I can I'll throw something up once I watch it I will, but the Brass-cation is running on all eight cylinders and severely cuts into my interweb time. No matter though, next week I'll be back at it. Promise. xo

7 comments:

  1. Lord, woman - I know you didn't do this intentionally, but I am in PAIN after reading your recap - particularly that last caption under The Cuntess. I am recovering from a tummy tuck, and fuck if it doesn't hurt to laugh right now!!! Pain or no, you rock!

    merci!
    shan

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  2. You've outdone yourself!

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  3. bravo! i'm a little disappointed that kelly is lucid this season, i have to admit. and my head almost exploded when the NJ trailer came on. i mean? i'm almost afraid to tell my hubby. his eyeballs could fall out from over-rolling with simultaneous seasons. thanks a lot, cohen.

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  4. 3 Housewives at once...I definitely think I can handle that!! I agree, I want the old Sonja back!

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  5. http://m.gawker.com//5794521/

    OMG.

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  6. So, so funny! I laffed out loud when I saw The Cuntress under her photo. It's like Kelly's Crazy leaked out and spewed all over Alex and Sonja. It couldn't have been Jill's Mean-she's still topped up with that stuff.
    Thanks for the recap-quite a feat after a vacation-bravo!! And hilarious as usual. Don't bother with the OC fools this week-boooring.

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  7. AnonymousJune 16, 2011

    I.Love.You! This was more fun than watching the show, i will follow:)

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Have at it darlings...