Monday, April 25, 2011

RHNY recap: a Crazy Connection is made

I'm not into the stars and the planets and all that, but something wasn't aligned properly last week in New York. But there's no need to bring Peggy Tanous in for a consult,  this week things seemed to be getting back to normal--Sonja was less of a freak, Kelly was finding it hard to function at a second-grade level, Alex and Simon were less intense and more van Kempen-ish. The Cuntess was quite cunty, but I think that's to be expected; the dahlings were back with a vengeance in Episode Three. I loath the dahlings. This episode was a little snoozy compared to last weeks extravaganza, but at least it was a mess for all the right reasons this time. Back in the bosom. Let's nuzzle in.
Dahling, let me see if Jaques, that's French for Ross, has
any friends with whom you may get crazy. Dahling. Dahling.
First up LuAnn and Kelly get together for a mani/pedi, and some girl talk. Kelly is bored of being single!! She's sick of being lonely and wants to find love the second time around like The Cuntess has.  Kelly observes that LuAnn has gone through her second chapter very well, and mine's been a bumpy ride. Well you're the one who said it in the opening credits Kelly: I'm living the American dream one mistake at a time.

[Crickets. CRICKETS!!]

Another thing, Kelly's back to whisper-yelling compliments--you know: TELL ME ABOUT JACQUES! YOU LOOK SO GREAT!...but whispered. It's weird and definitely brings out the crazy in her eyes. These two serve as an interesting case study: turns out a cunty woman is more appealing to the men of Manhattan than a crazy woman. LuAnn gives Kelly some non-advice, sits back and basks in the glow of having her life back on track. With French Ross.
(French for Ross)
Interview-LuAnn says she's spending more time with Kelly and likes what she sees. Say huh?? She's discovering a new Kelly. Yes LuAnn, Kelly has a personality for every day of the week--you're just learning this? I don't care for LuAnn, she's boring and not nice, but I thought she was smarter than that. But since Ginger finally reclaimed her rightful place as Jill Zarin's nose-picking lapdog LuAnn needs new friends. And she can't be too choosy. Cunty may trump Crazy, but Crazy is lonely Cunty's only friend. Remember that kittens, words to live by.

Sometimes Dumb and Crazy have a fighting chance together.
Do it for love.
Think The Cuntess and French Ross could hook a Crazy up?

Next Sonja wears a hat to lunch with Alex:
Alex wants to smooth things over with Sonja. The hat advises Sonja to listen calmly and quietly. She obeys. Alex says no one needs to agree about what happened or didn't happen at the rally, let's just drop it. The hat and Sonja say okay. I'm curious to see if this truce will last once Sonja takes the hat off.

Cindy has a dinner date with Kelly because they film a reality show together.  Kelly has dinner with Cindy because she's desperate for a friend and hasn't figured out yet that Cunty is Crazy's only friend.  So slow. So sad.  Cindy shows up frazzled because one of her nannies broke down and the tow truck took like two hours to come and get her.  But that doesn't matter...Kelly is determined to make dinner about herself, and make a fool of herself. Simultaneously. Crazy can multitask. 
How do I make this little black brick of light and buttons GO.
Sorcery and witchcraft Kelly, and some satchels of gold.
Kelly is stumped as to why someone as cool as Cindy is friends with 'Mona. Duh JellyKelly, everybody wants a friend who's a vintner...and a jeweler...and a skin care specialist...and a Turtle Timer. Kelly proceeds to show Cindy what she's missing out on in the friend department by showing off her skills as a composer of the written word. She STRUGGLES desperately to write a simple email to 'Mona telling her she can't make it to something or other. Cindy is dumbstruck by Kelly's inability to function: I'm unable to...brainfreeze Kelly? C''s just can do this. Way to show off your mad skillz Crazy.

Speaking of 'Mona...she's in another fashion show. She and Sonja (sans the Cossack hat) head to the designer-who's-desperate-for-ANY-publicity to pick out her dress for the show. 
What the heck, the first time was so good, let's do it again!
Where's the catwalk bitchez?!
'Mona discusses Kelly's inability to support her.  Hold the effing phone 'Mona...wasn't it just last week that you didn't want anything to do with Kelly at your Gucci night? You've been steering clear of her since Crazy Island (a move I commended), right? Now, when you want an entourage you get pissy. I'm calling bullshit on you 'Mona.

Next we go to a boozed up speed dating session hosted by the Cuntess and French Ross. Klassy LuAnn, very klassy. They try to dress it up and name it the Wine Connection, but I know pimpin' when I see it. LuAnn invites her single hoes: Cindy, Kelly and Sonja (Brian is just a portrait-painting booty-call). First she has to explain to Kelly that it isn't a wine tasting, there will be no spitting here...she highly recommends swallowing. Oh no she dih'int! Damn. Gurlfren cray cray. She cuddles up with French Ross and praises herself for not being single.

This is the break down of the mix and mingle: Cindy is stunned by what the dating pool has to offer as this her return from her maternity leave. Sonja plays diva and one poor ponce in a suit eats it up with a spoon...somebody might be getting some in the back of a Town Car tonight. Kelly...well, Kelly was the highlight of the evening when she hit it off with this guy:
crazy squared
And no, that' s not John Boy from The Waltons. It's some actor-nerd who made a crazy-connection with Kelly. We're privileged enough to observe him "prepare for" and execute a scene from Due Date. Kelly participated. I spazmatically twitched on my couch because it made sooo uncomfortable. Needless to say Crazy Squared thought they were pretty friggin' great.

We catch a shot of The Cuntess shoving her tongue down French Ross's throat, and then fade to black. 

Now we're off to Govenor's Island with Cindy and Kelly and their entourages. They making the trek out there for Alex van Kempen's birthday.  Remember, every year Simon makes a big hoo-haa out of it and Alex is princess for a day? Like last year it was this:
Dinner on private yacht. Swanky new earrings
Limo ride home in which Simon lost his effing mind and pooped his pants.
This year it's a little different. They meet on a cold, windy day at an out of the way New York public park and spill champagne on the little kids' heads.  Interview-Alex insists that it's the best birthday Simon has ever planned. Everyone is freezing and miserable, and Kelly and Cindy stay all of five minutes.  But before they leave, Simon makes a toast to Alex and gives her a big diamond. Made out of chocolate.  She eats it in a manner similar to which Mr. Ed might eat a carrot or nibbled a sugar cube. Finally everybody gets to leave.
Not the same, but at least no pants were pooped.

Now we're at the David Meister fashion show, in which 'Mona will be the supah-stah. Ugh. Again? Why? Hasn't this already been done? For whatever reason 'Mona feels the reason to repeat it.  It's also a good excuse for Alex and Simon to get together with Sonja and put the past to rest.
Keep your big, blubbery Aussie self outta my ear van Kempen, I mean it.

Fair play.
Meanwhile 'Mona and the designer freak the fuck out backstage. Due to my keen sense of observation (and of the obvious) I can tell you that David Meister's dresses are pretty damn fugly. Anymodels, while 'Mona the midget bugs out behind the scene, The Cuntess shows up--not to be "supportive" (a word these women lurve to throw around), not because she likes the designer or 'Mona, but to guessed it...cunty. She missed it the first time and tells us there's no way she's going to miss it again. Is that good manners LuAnn? Check with your book. 'Mona walks, the sky doesn't fall and the show is over. Sonja was pretty funny when she said that the person behind her is a whole person taller...she's a mascot! Good one Morgan.
Still scary, but better.

In an effort to actually participate in the filming of the Real Housewives of New York, Cindy has shut down one of her Completely Bare spas for a private day with some of the other Housewives. LuAnn, Sonja, Cindy, and Kelly bond over hair removal. The Cuntess can barely contain her disdain for the discussions about body hair, dahling! must we?! What a snotty bitch. What did she think was going to happen at a HAIR REMOVAL SPA?? She looks for opportunities to be a condescending, patronizing, superior, self-satisfied bitch-cow. Interview-Cindy says we're not talking about porn. Don't worry Cin, Sonja's waaaaaay into it. You've made a new friend.
fuzzy cooter girl talk
Words like Brazilian, wax, landing-strip, and laser are thrown around. Everybody gets into it. Even LuAnn has her pit hair lasered. Crazy time! She emerges from the booth with a look of both shock and accomplishment; I bet it's the same look she had when French Ross finally convinced her to drink beer straight from the bottle for the first time. 

Next we get a peek of Alex's modeling:
Johan face, Johan face.
Okay. Fine. In a very I-have-scoliosis-and-dig-high-fashion kind of way. The photographer had to tell her we don't need that much drama in the eyes. Classic. Wonder what he would've said to 'Mona? Bygones...Alex isn't hurting anyone, and I hope it doesn't go to her head.  There's a good chance it'll go to Simon's though.

Finally it's 'Mona's big night. She's the celebrity(!) guest speaker at the Women's Venture Fund, an organization that supports female entrepreneurship. Avery is there and she's all grow'd up. Very leggy. Sonja, Alex and Cindy show up too. This is Cindy's first group date with Sonja, Alex, and Ramona. I think she's a little nervous. I don't blame her. Alex shows up with her left-over, ratted-out model hair,  everybody's got something to say about it. I bet Cindy's thinking: if that's her head, I'd hate to see her bush. 'Mona's sweating bullets because she's there to give a speech to 600 people--it's been a nerve wracking week for poor, old 'Mona. No wonder she has her own wine. 
Better than on the catwalk.
And waaaay better than Sonja's at the rally.
'Mona gave a decent speech, and she looked good doing it.  Gold stars you half-drunk ball of fire.  Of course the speech would've been even better if Sonja'd shut up while 'Mona was giving it. Constant commentary on whatever bits of wisdom 'Mona was spewing from the podium. It looked like it was really bugging Cindy, who seems like a fairly normal person so far and just wanted to sit quietly and listen.  Of course it's hard to tell what Cindy is thinking since she always has the same expression on her face. Dead stare, lips parted, teeth together, bangs in her eyes. Always.
This is actually Cindy watching Kelly trying to email 'Mona,
but it may as well be Cindy watching 'Mona's speech, or talking with her
brother, or observing LuAnn dis hair-removal, or trek to Governor's Island.
You get it.

That's it. Pretty standard episode, but next week's looks good. And next week's episode of RHOC looks really good--a mandatory Housewife attendance dinner party.  Purrrfect. Speaking of...recap of last night's Episode Eight coming soon, but first I must watch Bethenny. Lurrrve her.

TTFN kittens.


  1. "Cunty may trump Crazy, but Crazy is lonely Cunty's only friend." I may have a t-shirt made.

    "Mr. Ed eating a carrot" made me LMAO. My husband finally turned to me and asked, "What are you reading?!"

    Never mind, honey. You wouldn't understand.

  2. T-shirts? Yes. Billboards (a la "Jesus loves you")? Absolutely.

    We'll make a mint.


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