|This post is brought to you today by the letter B...as in: botox, boobies,|
[Alexis] Bellino, brown-nosing, and of course bitchez.
Without the letter B we'd be teetering dangerously close to another monotonous episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. The second part of episode five was definitely the meatier half, but there was a bunch of back story bullshit that we must sift through first. And yours truly is nothing if not thorough.
First Peggy and Micah check in at a doctor's office. I thought this was going to be another holistic/postpartum/numerological/expialidocious segment, but I was woefully wrong. They are at the plastic surgeon. Mecca, if you please. The Tanous duo made the pilgrimage that so many of their OC ancestors before them made. It's a time-honored tradition and a well-worn trail, although I'm confident Pegster could've made it there with her eyes closed even after being spun around three times. Peggy's tits have somehow (?!?) deflated and she's popped into the shop for some maintenance. With a likable amount of self-deprecation Peggy tells the camera that women in the OC stop by the plastic surgeons' offices like they bring their cars in for oil changes. She skirts-around the wacky juxtaposition that with all her holistic/homeopathic/natural talk she's somehow okay with half her body being plastic. If oxymoronic isn't already a word, it should be.
|Hey old friend, I'm back...I love your new robes, so plush.|
We gleam some important facts from this segment: this will be Peggy's third boob-job; Micah wants this pair to be able to hold a wine glass (whatever the fuck that means...if his balls aren't expected to hold a wine glass I don't see why her tits should have to); Peggy got her first boob job at age 21 in 1990. Giddy with excitement, I bust out my calculator-watch and finally figure out just how old Pegster is: 42/43 years-old. SGM wins the pool. Proceed with the implantation, I am done here.
|Cutesy Cute in action|
Next we have this one sneaking into her parents' house to do something dumb and cutesy in preparation for their 40th wedding anniversary. Gretchen foghorn-laughs her way through her contrived escapade; then she executes a highly predictable Charlie's Angels pose down and calls it an adorable day. I focused on two things during this charade: the obscene number of visors that were in her mom's closet (which I noticed before the assistant pointed them out, thank you); and the dumb-ass yellow bow that Gretchen had clamped into her hair extensions. I really wanted take that stupid bow, which coordinated with her shorts by the way, and shove it down her self-satisfied throat.
Enough now Brassy. Settle down and move on.
We then swing by the Gunvalsons to watch Vicki execute a family dinner with military precision--the dictatorial-communist kind...as opposed to the regular, good ol' democratic variety. Think: Kim Jong Il's perfectly synchronized high-kicking marching soldiers. Got it? Because that's what it was like. She bossed Donn and Michael about how to cook the steaks. She bossed Brianna about how to plate and frost the cake. Finally Michael snapped and told her to stop telling people what to do! But you know what he really wanted to say... Vicki innocently tells the camera: I like being in charge. Just follow orders. Simple. Maddening.
My kids are raised, what else do I have besides work, work, work?!?
(No joke. That's what she said.)
Ummm...Donn? You have your husband of 14 years, Donn.
Then there's the inevitable why don't we have family dinners more often spiel. Vicki goes on and on and on about how she just loves family time, blah blah blah. Even though she really wasn't looking for an answer, poor Donn very quietly answers Vicki's rhetorical question: you're never here Vick. She snaps that she'd rather be at work. Then Michael, of whom I've never been a fan, tells the camera that Donn is right and he feel sorry for Donn. The strange thing is Donn isn't disgusted by Vicki's manner, the way the rest of us are, he just wants to spend time with her. She knows they don't spend any time together; it's just she'd rather be at work. That's a quote. Then weird, mysterious music starts playing, implying this Gunvalson family conversation is foreshadowing and we should all stay tuned. I'm curious if this mysterioso music is simultaneously playing in Donn's head. Or if he at least hears this song. Clear out Donn. Clear out now.
Finally we see Fernanda again. Remember her? Because I barely do. She meets up with Tamra to do a NOH8 photo shoot in support of gay marriage:
They flirt. A lot. Tamra finds new ways to enhance her status as reality TV's best and brightest exhibitionist. She does the coy-pseudo-lesbian-act. She also continues her reign as the sound bite Queen. Her quips don't bare repeating, but she's got the formula down pat. Fernanda tells the camera she finds Tamra hot and exciting. She says it with what seems to be genuine feeling...of course it could just be her impossibly engaging Portuguese accent that made me feel like she really cares for Tamra. But really, methinks Fernanda may be crushing a bit on our little Tamra.
Peggy brings her kids to their modeling agency to suss out if they can be a (sportswear) model just like mommy! The kids sit there like lumps, the way kids do. When they're told to stand on a mark, they run around like coked-up baby chicks, the way kids do. Ugh. That's the last thing I'd ever want to do with my kids. Painful. Needless to say, there was plenty of dinky-donk music playing for this.
Next Gretchen is back with more junk about her parents' 40th wedding anniversary celebration. I don't care about this at all, and you shouldn't either. She picks up a huge ring for her mom at the jewelers. It's made of some stones from Gretchen's old engagement ring from her first, failed marriage. I don't know about you, but I feel like that's going to generate some questionable karma or something. Whatevs. Slade does a wicked annoying Dude!! Dude. Dude? Dude!! thing on the phone with Gretchen's dad when he sees the size of the ring. What a donkey. The real gem [pun intended] of this segment is when Gretchen solemnly turns to the camera and declares that she's begun to understand that the size of the engagement ring doesn't automatically equate to the success or failure of the marriage. Truly sage advice that you'd be wise to take to the bank.
Things start to warm up a little when Alexis invites all the girls to a little party. She throws words around like relaxing and zen and restful. Just what I think of when this crew rallies. First she calls Gretchen and opens with a Hey G!! It's 'Lex!! Commence the annoyance induced vomiting. Tamra convinces her to invite Vicki, claiming her Vick really wants the past to be the past and is all about peace and no drama. Sidebar: I'm convinced that "drama" has become the most over-used word in the entire English language, never mind in this effing show. It's "positivity's" slightly more acceptable cousin. Everyone: enough with the "drama" wordage. Drama is just code for bullshit. And if you're using the word "drama", it more than likely means you're part of the bullshit. Sad, but true.
Then we watch Eddie help Tamra move into her new place:
At least they're clothed. And not in a sudsy bubble bath. They alternate between packing, making out, sorting through shit, necking, picking up boxes, and sucking face. But moving blows so whatever gets you through. Eddie pitches a bit of a fit when he finds a whole bunch of memorabilia from Tamra and Simon's wedding. He's being a priss. There is a bunch of back and forth footage between the happy couple and a super-sadzies Fernanda. Turns out Fernanda just became an American citizen (holla!) and she's having a little get-together at her place to celebrate this momentous occasion. Truly, good on ya Fernanda. Even though Tamra told her she'd be moving and she'd try to make it, Fernanda is pissed when her gal pal is a no-show.
|lookin' for love in all the wrong places|
Bravo, you sly, old dogs, are your sneaky editors playing up a love triangle? If so, kudos for pushing through that glass ceiling of depravity.
Finally! The big day...a Tuesday afternoon?...arrives and it's time for Alexis's party. All the RHOC meet up together for the first time this season. Halle-fucking-lujah. But wait, I'm a little befuddled because it looks like Alexis is at her doctor's office now. She greats him with a hug--which is odd to me because I've never hugged a doctor in my life, and I've birthed babies; those babies now go to the same pediatrician that I went to as a kid and he and I have sure never hugged anything out, let alone greeted each other in such a manner. But I'm not a hugger in general, so bygones. Anydoctor, turns out Alexis is having her party at her doctor's office. I don't fully comprehend this until Alexis actually says it out loud (I feel like a dumb-ass for not anticipating this, but then I pick myself up and dust myself off). All the ladies will get massages, drink champagne, get free shots of botox (surprise!!), aaaaand Alexis can work off her tab with her surgeon by getting him some free publicity on Bravo. It's a win/win.
|here's to hating each other!|
But let's backtrack to the Bobbsey Twins sitting in another limo together on the way to the doctor's office/party. Tamra sets the mood by giving Vicki a tube of pepper spray in case things get out of hand at the two-hour medical, zen retreat
Bravo Alexis planned. Excellent idea.
Meanwhile, back at the doc's Alexis greets Gretchen, who wonders who will be attending. Jeez genius, take a stab: the rest of the cast? When Vicki and Tamra finally arrive, pepper spray tucked safely in their hang bags but still at the ready, Alexis makes the mistake of commenting on Vicki's tardy arrival. Vicki squawks to the camera about work night, raaaswwwk! back at the office, raaaawwwk! and Alexis slowly backs away. Considering there are needles present I thought it was a smart move on her part. Gretchen and Tamra overtly ignore each other. When everyone is together Alexis makes a truly memorable, and laugh out loud funny, toast to Fresh starts and fresh foreheads! Way to work it Bellino, I like your style.
Alexis is jonesing for her girls to hit up the injectables buffet she's provided, but everybody declines. They're either not interested, or just got their fill. Literally. Peggy and Gretchen look genuinely disappointed they can't partake. Alexis says fuck it (okay, not exactly those words) and takes a hit.
Once again I find her strangely likable when she jokingly tells the camera: I know it's hard to believe, but this face gets botox. Who doesn't want botox? Hello?!? She explains that the OC puts requirements on women to be blond, have big boobs, and get botox. Oh dear. I shake my head at the TV, but I don't think she'd grasp the basis for my disappointment so I keep my thoughts to myself. But at least Alexis is honest about all that tomfoolery...unlike this one:
|never touched the stuff|
Then Fernanda gets serious and confronts Tamra about her no-show at the citizenship party. Tamra pulls an oh-no-you-dih'int and since Fernanda is a total novice, she backs off. Peggy observes the whole thing and comments that it was very strange and looked almost like a lovers' quarrel. Interesting and very astute observation Pegster. Meanwhile, Tamra tells the camera the confrontation blew her away. She just doesn't understand Fernanda's disappointment, and beyond that she took real issue with airing private grievances at a public event. Back the fuck up Tamra. You are calling someone out on a social etiquette issue?? You felt Fernanda was making a spectacle of both you and herself that evening?? Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my.
Jealousy rears it's ugly head again when Alexis spies Peggy chatting Vicki up.
|My favorite part of this vignette is the smarmy, smirky hand-massager.|
Alexis picks up some old-school brown-nosing between Peggy and Vicki. Peggy goes for the complimentary-jugular and praises Vicki for being such an accomplished businesswoman. Vicki all but comes all over the good doctor's pretty white club chairs, and the creepy hand massager silently thanks God that he has some wet-naps and hand sanitizer at the ready. It really was that bad. I have my own reasons for cursing, because with that little exchange I'm pretty sure Vicki thinks Peggy is just about the most fresh to def Housewife ever. I was so sure these two would hate each other and it would culminate in some sort of wild west shoot out. I feel robbed.
Much like Cinderella's evening at the ball, this magical night comes to an end. Vicki and Tamra head for the door, but not without a cackle, a squawk and one last zinger. Tamra announces she's soooo relieved she didn't need to use the pepper spray that she brought along. Well played Tamra, well played.
Here's the visual:
Aaaaand here's the real money-shot:
Fade to black.
And so it begins. This season we're going to fight over pepper spray. More specifically, the outing of some concealed pepper spray that was inappropriately brought to a botox party as a bad joke. Seems perfectly reasonable and appropriate. I'm entirely comfortable with this scenario. I have total confidence that this collective freak-show can eek out several variations of this controversy that will guarantee all involved an ample amount of air time. In addition, I have no doubt that if any of these ladies fall short, the Merlin-style-editing-wizards at Bravo can properly concoct an epic cluster fuck that won't let us down. It's on. Call Donkey Kong.