Friday, March 25, 2011

Real Housekeeping items, and some Brassy ball-busting

It's been quite a week around the Brassy homestead, consequently I've been a bit sluggish and slow to muster in the blogosphere. So my apologies for not getting another post up before now. That said, this isn't much, just a few bits that have been rolling around my noggin.

First, this:
ElsaPattonBEfore.jpg
(Out of curiosity, does that left pinky finger look a
little wonky to anyone else? Its looks stubby to me.
I'll feel like a real shit if I find out it was a result of
a run-in with Castro.  For realz.)
And this:


Are now this:
Don't do it ladies. Ever. Rarely does facial plastic surgery work out. It just doesn't.  Every now and then it does, but most of the time: no.  The above is an extreme example, but a cautionary tale nonetheless.  Odds are pretty good Elsa Patton and Priscilla Presley shared the same toxic plastic surgeon...and she went under his knife more than once. 

Elsa, the mother of one of the Real Housewives of Miami, is the breakout star of that deadbeat show.  I made the easy call to skip the whole season all together.  It was just megh to me.  It's the poor man's Basketball Wives...and who needs two of those? Anyface, back to Elsa.  Her plastic-surgery-mangled mug has been a hot topic....I haven't paid too much attention until now. I googled her pre-surgical face today and I'm still in a bit of state because of it.  She wasn't just attractive before, she was down right stunning.  Gorgeous. 

Elsa has a thick Cuban accent, almost incoherent. It's like Pig Latin, but with a soft j sound after every other syllable. She constantly has a drink in her hand...which doesn't help her audibility. She says some of the most strange, most random things ever.  Paula-Abdul-on-a-cuckoo-cocktail level of randomness. Beyond even. Her age is the topic of much speculation...she does have a 44 year-old daughter, if that helps anyones' math. Oh yeah, and she's a self-proclaimed witch. The woman is a handful.

I'm not on the Elsa bandwagon, but Andy Cohen (nay, D'andy Couhin) sure is. She was his special guest on WWHL the other night and it was just plain weird...I happened to catch about 20 minutes of it and I felt awkward just watching. Is he gearing up for an Elsa version of a Bethenny-style spin-off show? Again, I say: megh.  The finale is coming up next week...or maybe it was this week already? Who's to know. Who's to care.


A few other bits of Real Housekeeping:
(mostly old-ish news, but I'll give you my take on it anyway)
  • Word is D'andy Couhin  has bagged DC all together. The big question was the Salahis - will they or won't they return? Will Bravo, or won't Bravo let them return? I guess it's not much of a show without those two sociopaths, but at a certain point it  actually is about rewarding horrific behavior (or more to the point: not rewarding bad behavior). I watched last year for the White House debacle, and then divorced myself from the whole nightmare.  I can only handle so much Housewifery, so I don't have a dog in this fight.
  • Speaking of: Michael Salahi was booted from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Boo (a.k.a. Dr. I-still-dig-him-even-though-he's-a-total-sell-out-scheister). She didn't have any sort of addiction, other than being a pathological ding-bat liar.
  • No more new Housewives cities. They're sticking with what they've got and weeding out the losers...that sounds like a total oxymoron if you don't know what I'm talking about...fuck it, the whole thing is a study in douchebaggery, who are we kidding? But sometimes it's just the sort of voyeuristic fun I need.
  •  Best for last: Danielle Staub. The former Real Housewife of NJ with bolt-on tits, who was strong-armed out of the show by the rest of the cast because she hit the magical danger/crazy/psycho trifecta. Brassy disclaimer: I stopped watching half-way through the last RHONJ season because I just couldn't participate in any way with the woman. She's an alien-disease as far as I'm concerned. So yeah, I'm biased.
    Remember me?
She mumbled here and there for a while about getting her own show after she got the boot from RHONJ.  Turns out this was the one thing she wasn't pathologically lying about.  She does have a show. Called Social. On WealthTV.  It's being played as a Robin Leach/Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous extravaganza. Not quite, but nice try Danielle. I don't know about you, but WealthTV isn't on my basic cable plan. It is however on my YouTube plan. Take a look at this exclusive (that's right bitchez) behind the scenes footage:
Oh dear God.  I have no idea who in the world Prince Malik is.  My best guess: a pristine piece of Eurotrash with an auto-tuner and a Segway...and Danielle Staub's new bestie. I ask you: the hell?


Finally, this piece of shit:
When is Chris Brown going to go away for good?? He's not usually on my radar at all, but of course after his bullshit stunt at GMA this week everybody has been reminded of him again. Here's a picture of the window he smashed after being asked about Rihanna:


Hi, at least I'm tempered...
...unlike Chris Brown
Much like a deranged bull in Pamplona Spain,  a half naked Mr. Brown roamed the NYC streets immediately following the window assault (glad it wasn't anyones' face this time).  He tore off his shirt because he was so pissed:
ass
But later that day he put on some horn rimmed glasses, a cardigan, and went to an art gallery...with his current girlfriend (???). He needed to show the world that he's really just a gentle giant who requires some love and understanding.  Look! he likes art, wears glasses, and owns a cool cardi...how bad can he be? His d-bag publicist alerted the photogs to document the sudden shift in the Chris-temperature:


four-eyed fuck face liar
(and a very confused, misguided woman)
And by the way, he later said that he lost his ever-loving shit because he felt exploited by GMA's pre-approved questions. Shut up now please. Oh, this just in: Chris Brown and his publicist have "parted ways". You know who else's publicist quit? Charlie-MadDog-Sheen's.


But let's try to end on a upbeat note, and watch the one good thing this ass-wipe was ever (inadvertently) a part of:


Now watch it again, just for good measure.
One of the Baby Brassies and I have instituted Manicure Fridays.
I strayed from my usual Ballet Slipper pink in anticipation
 of getting my drunken-fancy on this weekend.

Baby Brassy got flowers just because she can.


We encourage you to do the same.

Have a great weekend SweetMeats!!
_____________________________
My sincere apologies again this post: I don't know what the story is with some of my pictures not showing up. Grrrrr!!! If anyone out there is smart, please tell me what to do! In the meantime I will continue to try to figure it out myself, and then breakdown and call my IT-nerd brother in NYC.  Until then, my sorrow can only be matched by the regret Chris Brown's management team was feeling as they slunk away from GMA trying not to make eye contact with the terrorized production assistants.

5 comments:

  1. OMG I love you.
    One question, though. Why won't half of your pictures show up??? I am dying here!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just tried to fix it, and I think it's okay...for now. I'm really sorry--I'm a total novice!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're the best! I was watching the she-beast on WWHL the other night, too. Oddly enough, I was transfixed on Marisol's fingers. They're unbelievably tiny -- especially the pinky!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for your comment...cracks me up...what would Vick Gunvalson's Ashley Style Decorator Do? Best reference point ever.

    So Andy's obsession with Elsa is reaching new heights, I almost couldn't contain myself when he asked her on WWHL-everyone is asking how you look so good, what's your secret? WHAT? No one can be asking that. Those pictures of her when she was younger are absolutely gorgeous I couldn't believe my eyes. Definitely is a cautionary plastic surgery tale!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not all time bountifulness comes with plastic surgery or Cosmetic Surgery. It may be natural and result of daily take care of skin.

    ReplyDelete

Have at it darlings...