Tuesday, March 22, 2011

RHOC recap: My apologies to all of God's creatures...

Has it been a week already? I guess so, because Gretchen is back nose-screeching and horn-laughing in my face.  I find this woman more annoying than a splinter festering under my fingernail...and I've had one before, so I know what I'm talking about. Back when The Husband and I started dating we went to the beach for a picnic (awwwww, so sweet...yeah we haven't been back since), turned out the basket was a faulty, splintery death trap and half of it ended up in my nail bed for three days. True story. I feel that Gretchen is that splinter.

So of course she's the first one of these lovelies that we check in with as the third episode kicks off. Most viewers see this:
note the tiara
A washed-up, second rate, beauty queen who never made it past regionals, but didn't give up because Daddy was gonna be god-damned if his number-one girl wasn't going to walk away with some sort of crown.


But see, and hear, this:

Crap. This is going to be a loooooong season. Did you guys know that last year's was 16 episodes? But I'm in it to win it, and I won't let some screeching-monkey-fingernail-splinter hybrid scare me off. Of course she and Slade deserve each other, but I really don't know how he does it:


But enough with the photo montage, let's dig in... 

As earlier reported (that's right: reported...I'm in the trenches bitchez) we're greeted by Gretchen. At her door. In a tiara. Turns out Alexis is coming over and Gretchen is relentlessly holding onto "the princess comment" that Alexis made last week, for which Gretchen already reamed her out in the limo.

Look Alexis: me dish-y, you take-y
I don't like to repeat myself
Gretchen's going to teach Alexis a lesson and wear a tiara. Fuck you Alexis! I'm not a princess...I work for my money...(and Slade's too, but whatevs)...I'm a licensing queen! Bow down. Bow!! Alexis receives the message loud and clear, telling the camera she's can't believe Gretchen is still with the princess thing and she won't be joking around with Gretchen ever again. Finally Alexis, you're starting to get it: people like Gretchen loooooove to dish it out, but cannot take it.  Learn it, live it, love it Alexis. Then Gretchen shows off her new car...complete with a this is what a princess looks like license plate-holder-thingy.  Priceless.  Alexis tried her hardest to laugh good-naturedly. She's a trooper.

These two besties meet up with Peggy to go shopping and show off.  Peggy and Gretchen are meeting for the first time; Alexis is a little nervous because she's realizing Gretchen is overdue for her shots and might be rapid. She worries: what if things get tense? Think Alexis, think! You live with the biggest narcissist of all, have you not developed some sort of coping mechanism you can employ? What would Lord Baby Jesus do?  Alexis must have dashed into the dressing room and done some hard-core nouveau-Christian-rock praying because everything went okay.  There was the three minutes of  mandatory introductory-fawning: you're so cute/look at that dress/soooo pretty/love you/let's have babies together/if you should ever need a kidney, just call.  You know, the normal get-to-know-you chit chat.  Peggy does tell the camera that Gretchen looks like she's from Texas. I laugh...then I think: yeah well Pegster, you look like you're from Orange County so glass houses and all that. 

I can't wrap this scene up with out expressing my incredulity at the hair, make-up, and outfits these women deal with to go out during the day. Please reference Gretchen's tiara picture and realize that the tiara is the only part of her ensemble get-up that's a joke. Seriously.  Granted, a lot of the time I rock the hobo-chic look, but I'm truly stunned by the effort.  Stunned. 

Next we meet the man who has the worst job in the entire world, nay universe. The toll collectors on Mars have nothing on this guy:
VICKI GUNVALSON'S
GENERAL CONTRACTOR
Now I need Lord Baby Jesus.  I can't imagine how this played out, but this dear, dear man is wrapping up his work on the Gunvalson Love Shack. He is also going to witness one of the more offensive moments in Housewife history...and I'm referencing the entire franchise.  Vicki corners one of the Latino sub-contractors working on her stairs and yammers about how he was late and what is he doing etc. etc. etc. Then he does something she doesn't like and Vicki goes bi-lingual-baby-voice on his ass to make her point: "No ahh scratch-y the ahh new wood-y!!" Clear as day. It was so bad. Truly cringe worthy...and this train wreck of a show has thickened my skin considerably. Her general contractor's jaw went slack and he growled at her: "Excuse me?!?" Well Vicki can't be expected to know Spanish, so aren't insults the next best thing?  She's throws a no bueno over her shoulder and marches off.  It was disgusting. 

Vicki is spiffing up her house because Donn is very happy "living the dream" there, so she says its time to move. She wants action. She assures the viewers that it doesn't matter what Donn wants, if she wants to move, they'll move. It was really, really sweet. 

Next we're back with Peggy, Gretchen, and Alexis. The MENSA triumvirate. They're getting a little post-shopping sup-sup and the conversation has turned from Bamboo Capitalism: The rise of entrepreneurial China, to sex. [Joke! I swiped that from the latest issue of The Economist. The bamboo, not the sex. Who's the smarty now? Actually it's The Husband's, and it was under a pile of US Weeklies.]
nine..no, ten!...ten times!...I've had to have sex
with Jimbo ten time...ooo...look at my nails...
....don't they look good?

Yeah well, I bedazzled Slade's balls
 to match my tiara
Gretchen digs into her appetizer by telling the ladies all about Slade's penis. Awesome. Peggy is a little taken aback by the conversation, but then tells herself that if this is the current topic of competition conversation she shouldn't be rude and stay mum. She dives in revealing that Micah is easy to please and talks about doing it in a closet. Getchen says Slade likes her naked in heels. Alexis describes some bizaro situation in which she tied Jim up in a chair and had her way with him. Wait! What?! Gretchen is surprised  Alexis talks about anything other than the missionary position, since Alexis and Jim live on Jesus Lane.  It was kind of funny, but then I remembered Gretchen said it and I stopped laughing. Peggy  gets an earful about Tamra and Vicki, Gretchen and Alexis's respective OC nemeses.  Gretchen whines for a while and I take a bathroom break.  Alexis reveals that "welcome to my world" was how Vicki greeted her when they were introduced last year.  And we all know Alexis's aversion to egomaniacs.

Speak of the devils! Tamra and Vicki have lunch together so Tamra can explain away every horrible thing she ever did by reminding Vicki she was married to Simon.  Of course Vicki is gracious as usual in the face of Tamra's mea culpa.  Such a dear.  They talk about marriage, divorce and Eddie. There is some definite foreshadowing as Vicki mumbles some shit about happy marriages. They wrap things up by deciding they'll go to Cabo together very soon.  A good idea, I'm sure. We'll stay tuned...

hard-effing-work
The Bellino family is just sacked out from declaring various bankruptcies and foreclosures so they decide to get away for a family vacation.  Make$ $en$e. They say some prayers, pack up, and head to San Diego.  They've rented a tremendous villa at a luxury resort because it'd be so much more fun for Jim to pay money and act like a jack ass there, than do it at home for free.  Speaking of...this is Jim's big season debut!  He doesn't disappoint. What. A. Jerk.  Their vacation is spliced up throughout the show, but I'm going to wrap it all up here.

Of course Alexis is very religious, how else could she cope? Jim is a narcissistic, unhelpful, mocking, undermining, lazy shit of a husband....at best.  Everything he does, including pampering her, he does for himself; Alexis doesn't see this. She prepares everything for the trip--which with three kids and all her wardrobe changes is a ton of fucking work.  His job is to put the bags in the car. Of course he's a douche and he forgets one, but it's just the nanny's (they're down to one, fyi) and she's Christian so it's ok. Their assistant (????) will courier it down tut suite.  Jim makes no apologies for forgetting the bag and proceeds to humiliate Alexis by taking her picture with all their bags in front of a big crowd of people at the hotel. She's pissed and asks him to stop. He doesn't because d-bags never know when enough is enough. Check out her body language:

Having fun yet?
Alexis unpacks while Jim does whatever he wants. He barks a bunch of commands and she obeys. In Jim speak let's really means do it now Alexis, I am king! Clearly Alexis does not desire a partner of any sort. Her definition of marriage is different than many others: she seems to truly believe that since he "takes care of her" and is religious he is primo husband material. That's it. She continues to thank God for putting me with such an amazing man and restates that her husband is uh-mazing because he tells me how beautiful I am...he buys me nice things. It's stuff like this that makes me feel genuinely sad for Alexis, she really does think she has it all.

We can't leave San Diego without discussing The Watches. Jim and Alexis head to downtown La Jolla where Jim proceeds to spend $27,000 on two watches for himself.  He really likes the watches so it makes perfect sense...no! It made no sense whatsoever. It was bizarre.
Look at what big balls watches I have.
Yes Jim, you are now king of La Jolla as well.
Then Alexis finds an absolutely gargantuan diamond ring that she wants, but Jim tells her to tone it down.   Everything in moderation Alexis, just like the King says.  Oh the irony was so strong and powerful it almost gave me a rash.  No joke, if it kept up for much longer I would've needed a shot of industrial strength Benadryl. But that was the last we saw of Jim for that episode.  Good riddance.

Back to real time: we get to know Peggy and her wack-a-do mother-in-law. Her MIL is a homeopathic guru of the highest order...and this is by California standards.  Now, I'm all about keeping everybody healthy and happy in the most natural way possible. Holistic is good, but this was truly laughable.  We start with the MIL stating that she's using stem cells on my face now from an apple over in Switzerland and it goes downhill from there (or gets better if you're a snarky bitch like me). They test how Peggy is aging  via her pee. Sadly, the news is not good: Peggy's cells are rapidly dying and "rusting"--is this woman a homeo-naturalist or an oncologist? But don't fret over Peggy's rusting cells because there's a cure! Her MIL types a bunch of shit into her computer and makes Peggy an anti-cell-rusting-bracelet using her hologram  generator.  Read that last sentence again.  Seriously, do I smell Scooby Snacks? Because I'm pretty sure Thelma, Shaggy and the gang need their hologram generator back to solve the Case of Ghostly Cyber Pirate. WHAT THE FUCK?!?
the drum-tight face of natural living


The Bellinos aren't the only people headed out of town: Gretchen and Slade go to Palm Springs.  It's fun watching them bicker while they pack, and the drive down.  There's some issue with the bike wrack and it's a top-notch chance for Gretchen to further bust Slade's slimey balls. I tell you, a match made in heaven these two. The love birds arrive at the Palm Springs house of Gretchen's Super Gays--who look annoyed and awkward before Gretchen even gets past the driveway, yet she has somehow already changed into her bikini. These two are her very dear friends; Gretchen declares we add value to each others' lives, we're great friends, they tell me I'm hot and beautiful. Well put genius.  Slade takes it up the ass from Gretchen a few more times while they ride bikes in the blistering desert heat. Good times. 

Fair warning Tubba Wubba, if this bike falls off again
I'm going to make you ride it all the way back
 to the OC from Palm Springs. Then you'll learn.
Then they change clothes and venues to continue Slade's roasting at a dinner.  Gretchen isn't sure if Tubba Wubba should be eating at all because he's getting so fat...bear in mind she says this in front of her two somewhat overweight friends.  So gracious. Then Slade's balls get a much needed break while they talk about Tamra, and then Gretchen's aversion to marrying...marrying Slade, that is.  Exhausting.

Finally we meet Tamra's Eddie!  He's twelve. Mary-Kay Letourneau Tamra describes Eddie as having that "Latin umph!" and as "so hump-able". She's smitten. Turns out he's not one of Simon's friends, but rather one of Tamra's business partner's friends.  They meet up with said business partner, Marcos, and I can't help but wonder if Marcos and Eddie were ever more than friends.  Seriously. Maybe the gamma and beta rays on my gay-dar [is that phrase still used?] are all kabluey, but I thought I picked up a little something. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on that...am I out in left field? But it doesn't matter because Tamra is hooked. She's in love, love, love with Eddie the man-child. When she tells him she loves him, his reply is "you love me?" Niiiice one Taylor Lautner .

Anyhump, the love birds go away for a weekend. Clearly someone roofied Tamra, because before we know it Eddie says oh, you're naked and a lot of this happens:
ON CAMERA!!!!
Once again I call on our dear Lord Baby Jesus for redemption and guidance. How many hail Marys are on a rosary? ...because I'm going to need to say them all just for re-posting this shit on the internet.  I'm not fit to mother. And I can tell you right now that someone else's judgement (as a mother) is going to come into question.


Tamra, Tamra, Tamra...

Clearly they got it on. In a tub. With camera-men there. Watching. And recording. To televise nationally at a later date.  Since pictures are worth a gazillion words I don't feel the need to editorialize a whole helava lot.

Talk to me! What do we have to say about this? I was uncomfortable--although not as uncomfortable as Eddie was initially, but he clearly got over it. Simon is going to have a field day with this, that's for sure. On WWHL Alexis called it soft-core porn...and she was dead on. Tamra has some 'splaining to do. Big time.  It only lasted a few minutes before the end of the episode, but I'm guessing next week they'll pick right up where they left off. Andy Cohen is cool like that. And now he is a peddler of porn as well.

Okay, I'm out of words.  You do the rest.

PS. In the words of one commenter: feel free to hijack my post! Hash this shit out (if you'd like), because my head is spinning!! xoxo

5 comments:

  1. You so summed up this episode in such a hilarious way, so I don't even know where to begin. Gretchen is like nails on a chalkboard for me, all of the baby talk, and look at me I'm so cute is really getting on my nerves. And her victim mentality of how Tamra ruined her life is getting so old. I in no way believe she was completely innocent in the whole matter!

    The best part of this episode was seeing all of the women traipse around some of my favorite locales.

    And Tamra at the end of the episode, holy wow...I mean they are really giving us some reality TV here, it wasn't so bad seeing these two but if any of the other couples on this show ever decide to "compete" with this scene I will probably have to switch the channel!

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  2. Your recaps are truly hilarious, and spot-on!!! Thanks for giving me something to look forward to after this train wreck I can't seem to stop watching!! Hopefully you'll recap RHONY too?

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  3. woo hoo!!!!
    Well done!

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  4. Your blog is much better than the show!

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  5. Great job on the recap! I came here because SGM sent me and have not been disappointed! Keep the recaps coming!

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Have at it darlings...