Wednesday, March 30, 2011

RHOC recap: Kumbaya Cabonians

So I finally got around to watching RHOC last night...a pretty slow episode to say the least.  No big fights, no extreme behavior...by Housewife standards anyway, no major shifts in the OC paradigm. Boring? Yes. However, I was more than grateful because there was no way on God's green earth that my booze-soaked brain could've handled any extreme Housewifery.  Anything like the trip to Crazy Island or The Dinner Party from Hell and The Husband would've had to commit me. I'm pretty sure that the people I hung with over the weekend got their glassware from the same place at Camille Grammar....if that tells you anything.
It's hard to see from this angle, but I'm actually doing
 the backstroke in Vanderpump's drink. True story.
Even though Orange County was a bit of snooze fest, I'm sure there's still plenty of mockable moments to critique, so let's begin.

Tamra and Vicki head to Cabo to renew and refresh their friendship...oh wait, can I still use those two words? or did Ramona copyright them? oh dear, how about revitalize? rejuvenate? can anyone ever use any word with the r-e prefix ever again?!?...Anywords, back on track: Tamra and Vick go to Cabo San Lucas to restore [suck it Ramona] their relationship.  We thought we'd already seen Tamra's mea culpa to Vicki and the big apologies were over and done with, but it turns out last week was just the beginning.  Instead, we're privy to an entire weekend of Vicki continually reprimanding Tamra for being the worst, most disloyal friend ever.  And of course while in Mexico el diablo Simon is brought up again. And again. And again.
This shit hurts.
Despite Tamra's acts of treason Vicki is willing to forgive...For. A. Price. Cue Vicki laughing maniacally, twirling her handlebar mustache and adjusting her rhinestone-encrusted monocle...she's gonna make Tamra pay. Tamra accepts these terms and for the umpteenth time tells the camera that she treated Vicki badly last year. However, I got the feeling that Tamra thought they were going away for a girls' weekend, and that their friendship recovery was implied.   Vicki wants, nay demands, outright ass-kissing.  She tells the camera that she expects to be courted....this weekend away is a part of their courtship. I'm pretty sure that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. But we're only five minutes in, so that could change.
Look at Vicki split the atom while she sips her latte.
In the limo to the airport we get our usual dose of Vicki working, working, working. Hasn't this card been played a gazillion times already? It's so tired. You know what else it getting old for me? The squawking that ensues when these two get together.  We're going to Cabo, raaaawwwk! We're going to Cabo, raaaawwwk! Vicki need a friend? Raaaawwwk! Tamra sorry, Tamra sorry, raaaawwwk! Same outfit, same outfit,  raaaawwwk! Truth be told, between the freaky, sycophant, girl-on-girl love Tamra was giving Vicki and all the bird squawking I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them grew some wings a la Black Swan.
Not normal.
We leave one Housewife love-fest for another. Alexis and Gretchen have lunch because Gretchen needs to talk about herself and Slade juuust a little bit more.  Oh goody. Gretchen is leery of marrying Slade!! anyone and wants advice from someone with a great marriage.  That person wasn't available, so Gretchen had to make due with Alexis Bellino.  Alexis gives some pretty standard, predictable advice....but I kind of have to give her credit because she seems fairly normal in this exchange.  She even says something to the effect of: you never know what life and marriage will throw at you, I could get divorced again.  Housewife-say-what?! This isn't the first time that I've found Alexis kind of likable this season, and maybe even...a little...normal? I can't help but wonder how much more I would like her if she hadn't married a bottom-feeder like Jim.  She seems to have a sense of humor about the bible-thumping and doesn't hold anyone to a higher standard than she holds her self.

Anyhusband, back to the task at hand: Gretchen was already married once, it crashed and burned quickly and now she's gun shy about the entire institution of marriage.  Her parents have been married for 40 years and she wants what they have blah blah blah.  She is 32 years-old, wants kids, and wants to know what's going to give in this equation. Wah, wah, waaaaaaah.  Although I can't stand Gretchen, there's someone out there for everyone.  I'm pretty sure this is a story line either Gretchen or the producers are pushing.  Gretchen mentions her  lease agreement idea, which Alexis says is ber-serk. Then Alexis tells the camera that although Slade has a shitty reputation he really is a good guy and Gretchen should just marry him.  Remember the praise I gave Alexis a few seconds ago? After her last statement I feel like a fool. How could you Alexis?!? ...Once I've shaken off the sting of Alexis's betrayal, I start thinking about all the times that Gretchen talked about her fiancee Jeff.
heebie jeebies
Fiancee, fiancee, fiancee.  I feel kind of shifty even thinking it, but I can't help but come to the conclusion that Gretchen was okay with getting engaged to someone she knew wasn't going to live long enough for her to actually marry. Am I right? Or am I way off base? Yuck. I've given myself the heebie jeebies so let's get back to Cabo.

Vicki and Tamra check into their hotel. Vicki verbally assaults every other hotel employee with tales of woe about what a horrible friend Tamra is, how they're "dating", and how Tamra owes Vicki her right hand and and next born for all of her treachery. It's nauseating, annoying, and awkward,  but it'd be surprising if Vicki didn't beat this dead horse. I mean when has Vicki Gunvalson ever let anything go? Never, that's when.  Then, what The Husband and I call dinky-donk music accompanies Vicki and Tamra as they try to figure out how to do tequila shots.  Dinky-donk music is the slow, befuddled, pokey instrumental that accompanies harmless, but hopeless reality TV stars as they slowly and miserable fail at what should be a fairly simple, menial task.  They play it a lot on The Apprentice (of which I'm not a fan). And The Amazing Race (looooove it!). This is mariachi infused dinky-donk music because we're in Mexico. Vicki makes some more references to tire marks on her back and a knife etc. etc. etc.  Fade to black.

Next we watch Alexis check in with her seamstress and we learn they've partnered to design and produce a dress line.  It's no She by Sheree, but their hearts are in it. While the smart (and often under-used) side of my brain finds a million and one flaws in the business model of this endeavor, another part of me gets it.  She wants to do anything something other than just pick up Jimbo's dry-cleaning, shine her magical bolt-on boobies, and pray to Lord Baby Jesus.  She's got like five kids under the age of two and no matter how much you love your kids, that gig gets old.  She needs a hobby. Is it a frivolous hobby? Yes. Should she look into legit volunteering or something more productive? Absolutely. But this is a Real Housewife we're talking about, so let's lower the bar.  All these women are dying to say they make mad money.  Tamra makes some snarky remarks to the camera, but I say go forth and conquer the fickle world of fashion Alexis...I hear there's an opening at Dior.
baby sadzies are for real yo
Next Peggy and Micah Tanous share Peggy's very serious struggle with postpartum depression, and I'm curious if this is the reason this episode is so subdued. Would it have just been too much (even for the Real Housewife franchise) to juxtapose a legit issue that affects so many women, with Bravo's umpteenth bitchy cat fight or the like? I'm probably dead wrong, but whatevs. Anybabies, Peggy sits down for an interview with a documentary film crew to talk about her improving, but on-going struggle with postpartum depression. I give her credit. It's sad. And scary. Even though her husband is overly manscaped and clearly grooves on Ed Hardy, Micah Tanous seems like a good guy.  I kind of liked him. That said, I wonder about the notion of keeping guns in the house with a woman who's admitted to thinking about (in her darkest hour) harming herself.  I also question the wisdom of then bringing in a camera crew and the subsequent boatload of scrutiny that comes with doing a life-style reality show.  Hmmmm??
Vicki Gunvalson's peeps
But we can't ponder the Tanous's choices for long because it's back to Cabo we go! It's a magical, moonlit evening and Vicki and Tamra enjoy a little al fresco dinning.  Vicki makes Tamra pull her chair out since they're "dating". No seriously, she really made her pull her chair out. Good lord, Vicki really is a d-bag isn't she? I'm sure she then bitched to a random waiter or sommelier about the burden she's endured being frenemies with Tamra.  Then Vicki tells Tamra that by the end of their weekend together she expects Tamra to write some friendship-vows and read them to affirm their commitment to each other.  Tamra does a a what-the-fuck double take, tells the camera she knows Vicki is making her work for it but ultimately agrees.  They talk more about the old Tamra versus new Tamra, Vicki gags on her salad and they call it a night.

Gretchen's quest for marital advice continues as she goes out to lunch with her father.  He looks like a nice enough guy, but then we see where Gretchen gets her obnoxious and deadbeat sense of humor when her dad sexually harasses their waitress.  The poor waitress's name was Sam, to which Gretchen's dad asks is that with an S and and M??? hint, hint, wink, wink.  Ugh. Vomit inducing. Then he says something sleazy about wanting a fruity drink with a flower like the one Sam has in her hair.  Yuck.  But just like that, Gretchen's dad proves my theory: if this sleazoid can be married for 40 years, and his daughter thinks her parent's marriage is the end all be all, then there really is someone out there for everyone.  Father and Daughter Think-They're-Funny then discuss Slade, but it's really doesn't bare repeating. I mean, this is Slade we're talking about:
primo son-in-law candidate
(getting a spray tan, of course)
Back to Cabo: pool side.  There's more girl talk. And squawking. And sing-talking compliments: you're awwwwwe-sooooome. Tamra talks about Simon. Vicki avoids talking about Donn...and Tamra notices, but says nothing.  Then the dinky-donk music is replaced with bow-chica-bow-wow music when Tamra starts talking about all the sex she and Eddie have.  Sex, sex, sex.  Three times a day. One time for five hours. To Lady Gaga.  Vicki is repulsed and covers her ears.  Personally, I can't imagine doing much of anything to The Gaga for five hours. But this little tid-bit of bedroom-info pushes me a little closer to the notion that Eddie may go both ways.  Then Tamra starts talking about vaginal rejuvenation. She's taken it too far and Vicki turns herself inside out.  The hotel's cabana boys glare at Tamra in support of Vicki, because after all, they know all about what a shitty-ass friend Tamra has been.  Amiga es muy mal.


To lighten the mood in the Tanous home, Peggy and Micah decide to take a family, weekend getaway.  Peggy reveals this is the first time they've gone away since she had her kids and started dealing with depression.  Credit must be given. Going anywhere with the Littles is stressful for even the most confident of parents. They hop into The Bentley, her "push present" (for the love of god, really?!), and head to Palm Springs. The car is wack, but otherwise I say: fair play Tanous family. It doesn't look like they brought any nannies along either, which is refreshing as well.  More credit.  However, credit must be taken for the cockatoo hair-style Peggy was sporting. The crazy hair was further accentuated by her satellite-style, visor-only head piece. There is no way that thing would qualify as a simple hat. I didn't get it. At all. Then the mini-vacation is stopped in it's tracks when Peggy discovers that Capri mysteriously cut her self and is bleeding. Capri is obviously fine. F-I-N-E. Micah remains very patient while Peggy spews stuff like loss of blood and stitches and emergency. Micah brings Capri to the doctor solely as a means to pacify a very over-wrought Peggy. It was sweet, and over the top, and a little sad.  Cut to Micah telling the camera that recovering from postpartum depression is a gradual process.  He's a good egg.  Good luck to you, Peggy and Micah.
"amongst the Cabonians"
Tamra Barney, Cabo San Lucas, Mexico 2010
The mariachi dinky-donk music returns, so that only means one thing: we're back in Cabo.  They're by the pool again, trying to rekindle the magic, sidling up to the bar, and wearing their straw cowboy hats--the head gear of choice for half-drunk, slightly trashy, and just-about-over-the-hill party girls.  Tamra is clearly looking to rip shit up, and Vicki is a noose around Fun Tamra's neck.  Vicki's whoo-hoo's lack any of their usual Lake Havasu-luster.  Her heart just isn't in it.  Tamra pulls out all the stops by telling "Vick" she's hot and asking the smarmy pool-bar patrons if Vicki has great knockers, or what?! A few fat, middle-aged men nod half-heartedly in agreement and that's all the encouragement Vicki needs.  She immediately ups the whoot factor, she and Tamra start squawking again and before you know it they loooooove each other, raaawwwk! Body shots ensue, of which Vicki does not approve, and the crowd picks up a little from the dismal half-dozen hotel guests to a solid 15 or 20 drunken snow birds.  Good times.  Vicki makes googly eyes at a sunburned Donn Gunvalson look-a-like and they call it a day.
Ladies and gentlemen, please meet one of the easiest
people in the world to get along with:
Vicki Gunvalson
The mood is significantly brought down that night at dinner.  It's vow time.  And Vicki is holding Tamra to it. Hard. Tamra admits to the camera that between sunbathing and her drunken stupor she didn't have time to write any vows.  So she speak from the heart.  That's code for bullshitting.  Vicki eats it up with a fork and knife, says kumbaya, and it seems like Tamra's off the hook...for now. They wrap up the evening by agreeing that Vicki is one of the easiest people in the world to get a long with and there really isn't any valid reason for anyone not to like her.  Of course Vicki, whatever you say. This is your weekend. The renewed-besties put a neat little bow on their getaway by letting each other know how boss the other is.  It was  a tender moment between friends.

Mission Cabo-Girl's-Weekend Accomplished.

4 comments:

  1. Bravo! Bravo!!! - golf claps - exxxxxxcellent recap. Your dinky-donk description is my new favey crockett. My question is this - what the SHIT is Vicky on? Woman make me wanna barf. As much as I dislike Tamra, Vicky wanted her to write fucking VOWS????? She stone cold crazy. So glad Tamra was too effed up to do it.

    Can we just skip over to Miami for a minute? Did you see the finale of that POS season? Do you loathe Larsa as much as I do? Blech. Blech. Blech.

    Mwah!
    Merci!
    Shannan!
    !!!

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  2. Dinky donk music!!! SUCH a perfect name for it.
    Agree with your assessment of Micah. If the kid's not crying and is acting normal, shit is okay. How old do we think ol' Peggers is? 45?
    Beautiful recap.

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  3. I'm willing to bet that the Pegster is younger than she looks--she's a primo example of plastic-surgery-aging. She said she's older than Micah, sooo I'm going to say 40, but it'a a very tough call. I want D'Andy to ask her sometime, but she seems to be in a pretty precarious mental state, so would that push her over the edge?
    Vicki suffers from a nasty case of butter-face insecurity. Straight up. She is so painful in every way.
    I BARELY watched MIA this year, I just couldn't get into it so I quit. That said, I was thinking of watching the reunion and doing a recap of it from my MIA-virginal-perspective. I've always had a theory that everything that you really need to know about is hashed out on D'Andy's funky reunion couches. Anyone like that idea?

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  4. You had me nodding and laughing in agreement again! My favorite line: "Vicki's whoo-hoo's lack any of their usual Lake Havasu-luster." I agree her whohoos are frequent but a little lackluster this season :)

    Please recap Miami...when it comes to RH shows I am completely at their mercy...they could make a show from any city, I will vow to not watch it, and somehow there I am tuning in every week!

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Have at it darlings...