Thursday, March 10, 2011

RHOC Recap: The Halcyon Days...

The Real Housewives of Orange County
The original Queens of Comedy.

We've returned to the MotherCountry. Mecca, if you will. Where it all began.  The sixth season of the Real Housewives of Orange County wrapped me up like a warm blanket and squeezed. Tight. The ATL/Jersey/Miami-induced creases on my brow eased and smoothed as I fell back in sync with the true spirit of RealHousewifery. How "The G-O-D" intended it. No matter that only one original member remains: Vicki Gunvalson. She'll be god damned if she's going anywhere.  Homegirl has a some Cher-type action that she's working hard: she manages to survive and keep herself relevant. Sadly all of Vicki's initial minions have moved on....
  • Jeana (once the queen of Coto real estate) to foreclosure, weight loss (err, gain) and continued attempts at mothering. At least she finally shook off that deadbeat Louisville Slugger monkey-on-her-back husband of hers. Go on girl.
  • Jo ditched Slade and conquered the world. Look at her, how could she not? The feisty posture; that pout; the artfully arched eyebrow.  That's mad power. Or she's holding one in...whatevs. 
  • Fair play Lauri, fair play.
  • Lauri continued (sadly) to battle with her very troubled son. She too ditched Slade, finding solace in the life she shares with a very, very rich human Kermit the Frog.  Hand to God, he doesn't have a chin and sounds just like Kermit--or Mark Zuckerberg at best.
  • And then there's that other one.  I'm sure she's doing just fine.
Since the first five Housewives disbanded there have been several reincarnations of The First Ladies of Bravo. This is the current situation we're rocking:
Season 6

They've really sassed it up since the original, huh? And not a single one-shouldered frock amongst them. Keeping it classy. But before we dig into the latest cocktail of social napalm being spewed all over The OC, lets respect. These bitchez have been killing it in the ratings for six seasons. And face it, they've weaseled their way back into the cold, black organ that is my heart. What I like about the OC is that there isn't any bullshit role playing. No Mean Girls vs. Nice Girls. No counselors talking down the designated cRaZiEs, i.e. Bensimone, Danielle, Kim, and just about everybody in Atlanta.  They don't try to educate us...I'm looking at you Countess. Yeah they play it up for the camera, but they keep me on my toes.  They're all openly famewhoring.  Nobody is doing this "for their chariy". They're genuinely superficial. And they all have a nasty mean streak that they work hard, don't they? But then, when you least expect it, you feel a tinge of sympathy for their pathetic life choices and degenerate ways. You never know what you're gonna get.  Contrast that with the hives that automatically rise up on my neck just watching a promo with Jill Zarin in it.  Predictability has no place in good reality television.

Lets take a look at just a few highlights from the first episode of Season Six, shall we?  A storyline will eventually get up and running, but in the meantime we were (re)introduced to the latest batch of trailblazers via their personal relationships. Deep.  
  • The daily battle royale Vicki and Donn wage between "the rock" of their very public vow renewal and "the hard place" that is their intense hatred for each other is truly 12 rounds in the intellectual and emotional boxing ring. Nothing says "my Love Tank is full" like bickering like a pair of hyenas gnawing on a rotting zebra carcass in the Mojave.
  • Lady Gretchen and Sir Loves-A Lot, aka: Slade. He is truly the Prince Charming to her Fair Maiden, isn't he? Oh and did you hear the one about the $108,000 he owes in back child support...for his 12 year-old son...who is dying of brain cancer?  Clearly a banner year for Gretchen.  
  • Tamra's brave foray into SingleCity post-Simon is a portrait of courage. Her journey is complete with flirty winks and nods towards her shinny, new lipstick-lesbian acquaintance; and tattoo removal. Both the hallmarks of a newly single woman. Fierce.
  • Finally Mrs. Bellino; still hella tight with The "G-O-D". Is she a throwback to the perfectly coiffed  housewife of the 1950's? Oh no, she's much more. She's the personification that feminism is not dead, rather redefined as the freedom women have to make whatever choice suits them.  The choice consider yourself second to your husband at all times? Yes Alexis, you have much to teach. Please, enunciate and speak slowly. 
  • I can't quite get a bead on the newbies yet, but I'm sure their wisdom will be revealed soon enough. 
Classics never die, and Single Bitchez are forevah.


    1. "Jo ditched Slade and conquered the world." Laughing so hard. BURN, Jo.

    2. Love it! Found you via SGM and now you are my newest bookmark! Will be back for more. Thanks for the laughs!

    3. Yay!! Welcome!
      I hope to get a proper RHOC post up by tomorrow night, something for all of us to actually "discuss". The comment-conversations are one of my favorite things about Emily's blog. That, and she's clever as hell!


    Have at it darlings...