Wednesday, March 16, 2011

RHOC recap: "Git yur balls on"

We're still in the introductory phase of the Housewives. Honeymooning, if you will. It has a where are they now? sort-of vibe. But of course those sneaky bitches are staking their claim. Circling. Quietly. At best, they're marking their territory.
Vicki Gunvalson

The episode opens with a shower scene and a foggy shot of Slade's buttocks. Butt-ocks. An interesting choice on the editors' parts, but I guess they're counting on their dedicated audience to tough it out. (But wait. I'm confused. Does that mean the camera man saw his Smiley? What the fuck. Aren't those guys unionized? They don't have to put up with that.). Bells sound in my head; I feel this ass-appearance is a sign that he is going to be around this season. A. Lot. I guess dreams really do come true...his, not mine.
He nuzzles Gretchen awake, who has her face in one dog's anus and the other's nut sack. She begins whining in the oh-so-endearing baby voice that she's working hard to perfect this year. Practice makes perfect.  He scurries to make her breakfast, because a brothahs gotta earn his keep. Cut to her explaining his official roll in all her various companies is "ma biatch!" and nose-laughing all over her Vegas showgirl get-up. We also learn that she wears courtesan-style lingerie each morning while her rollers set.  This short scene my friends, is a lesson in the power of sexual politics--OC style. 

Gretchen also gives a quick lesson in office politics as well: she reprimands her friend/minion/worker-bee for not having her drunken, obnoxious, instigating back last week at Tamra's party. Duh, dumbass. That's covered in section IV, paragraph five, line seven of the employee handbook.  This poor woman is Gretchen's new assistant, because Gretchen is soooo busy licensing her name to every sweat shop in China. As Tamra put it: "What does she need an assistant for? To hold Slade's balls?!".  Aaaaaand this is exactly what I like about Tamra.  

Quick time out: I'm kind of panicking. Am I going to need to listen to this nose-talker say "Gretchen Christine Beaute" all effing season??? If so, my ears may bleed. It's a dumb name. 
Tamra, on the inside
We then swing by Tamra's new shanty for a quick drink, some more pseudo-lesbian-divorcee flirting, a sex toy wine opener, and to hear about how hap-hap-hapee! Tamra is.  No you're not Tamra. You're forty-something, twice divorced, have three kids that you need to co-parent with an asshole-control-freak who hates your guts, a fourth grown kid who is a train wreck, and you fucked your lips up with some sort of injectable. Wicked icky. Her tits are still massive so she's got a new boyfriend, Eddy. But he's for later.

The newest housewife is Tamra's shoulder to cry on, also know as Fernanda: The Uber-Lesbian--I emphasize this because Tamra seems real caught up in the fact that her new friend is gay. I'm cool with the lesbos, all gays for that matter. Fair play.  Fernanda looks very strange to me because her boobies are real, her hair is close to it's god-given color, her lips would not save lives in a shipwreck, and at best her forehead has only a scosche of botox.  It's not natural. I'm freaked. Fernanda then goes away for the rest of the episode, which is good because it's going to take me a while to get used to her face.
a riddle...wrapped in a mystery...
...inside an enigma
Then I'm pretty sure a reel from last season was mistakenly slipped in, because we cut to Vicki bossing Donn, packing for a trip, bossing Donn some more, rolling her eyes, declaring love for Donn, and then getting the hell out of dodge. Oh. Wait. Huh? It's this season? She heads to Seattle, which is apparently the playground for the rich and famous of Orange County because anybody who's somebody goes there to "hit it hard" at an insurance seminars.  Woo-hoos ensue and you know the rest...

Then we finally meet Peggy. A relatively simple name for such a complex woman.  First, last, and most important thing you need to know about Peggy: her two little girls are named London and Capri...

...[crickets chirp]...

I'm pretty sure her choice in children's names is all I need to know about her, but this isn't the sort of woman to back off.  She's an emotionally and socially 'roided-up Alpha Mom. In other words, pure tv-ratings gold. Andy Cohen looooooves Peggy. She and Alexis are mom-friends and drag their miserable kids to the park. Some super-gnarly competitive-mother banter ensues...I black out...sadly, I wake up in time to hear Alexis stating that Milana is "writing the little scribbles better than anyone else in her class" at preschool. I'm unsure if she's serious because I'm still dizzy and can see lots of blue spots.

Oh, and Peggy used to model. No silly, not that kind of model...this kind:
Briana arrives in Seattle to spend time with Vicki...I don't know...just accept it.  Vicki can't greet Brianna because she's at an insurance seminar being called "psychotically obsessive", but this time it's a good thing. It's professional praise.  Somewhere in Coto de Caza Donn is lounging by a pool, his shades on the brim of his hat, pouring one out for the 14 or so years he's lost to his doomed marriage.
key learning:
psychotically obsessive--it's a good thing

Next we're back with Peggy and the clip we've all seen and want to know about is finally shown in it's entirety.  Below is the still image from that clip, minus a witty caption because I am at a total loss...

We find Peggy and her husband Micah packing up the guns, throwing them in the Hummer and hitting the range. Apparently fire power makes Peggy chatty because we learn alllllll about her in this segment:
  • "strong survival skills" are needed to live in the OC
  • she tried to stay away from her husband when she first met him, but she did allow herself to sniff him...just once though
  • she's an Orange County Republican (what the fuck is that?)
  • her husband is all man: he cleans and sews, wears Versace and Gucci, does lame Scarface impressions at the shooting range, and likes swords
  • "I'm hot, I'm blond, I can rapid fire" will be chiseled on her gravestone  
  • Most importantly: she "did not marry for just money, but love too"
Wowzers. I'm really looking forward to Peggy and Vicki cannibalizing each other as the season gets going.

Tamra looks at divorcee real estate and decides against  moving into the house her current boyfriend lived in when he was still married to his now ex-wife. "He used to bone his wife right here!!".  Atta girl.

Back in the Emerald City someone is violently woo-hooing from the top of the Space Needle and all the grungy baristas are being woken from their hazy, recreational drug-induced comas. They're pissed; but nobody could be more annoyed by Vicki than Briana. 
"Come on my people!! Come on my people!!
I feel like I have little ants behind me!!"
Vicki is  out to prove why she is the "funnest" boss and mom in the whole world; she'll also give us a quick lesson in office politics.  They drink. They bowl. They go to a block party on water. She announces that "real men don't sit with their legs crossed" and proceedes to physically uncross her male minions' legs. Then she flirts with a young man who is attempting to rub up against her old-lady fun-bags. This made Brianna noticeably uncomfortable. You'd think the kid'd have a tougher skin by now.  Jeeeesh Briana, lighten up.
completely appropriate
The episode ends on a fairly heavy note when Tamra and Alexis work out (??) together and then chat over drinks.  The only mockable humor I notice is Alexis's workout attire: she managed to pull off the ultimate Real Houswife one-shouldered-ensemble.  The Countess is going to be jelly-belly for sure. Other than that, they have a pretty somber conversation about controlling husbands, since Tamra is now a professional expert. I thought they'd throw down once the Simon/Jim comparisons started, but they didn't. Alexis agreed a little more than I thought she would. Tamra made some decent points about her kids, her new boyfriend and the difficulties of divorcing Simon. Made me a little sadzies.

So there it is. My first real housewives recap.  I got'er'dun.  SGM wasn't kidding though: this shit is a time suck. A couple solid hours...and the after-the-kids-are-in-bed kind of hours too. But I had fun, and I hope you did as well. Soooo, spill it...


  1. Yes, I had fun! Awesome!

  2. Loved it! Cant wait till they start hitting below the belt. :D

  3. AAAAHHHH! Love this! Please keep doing them, we appreciate your time, effort and snark :)

  4. MichiganMDMarch 16, 2011

    SGM sent me your way!

    As a recovering Bravo addict, I look forward to reading your recaps which allow me to keep a safe distance from TV ala Andy Cohen (my cocaine). I appreciate the sacrifices you make (watching the train wreck that is the RHO franchise) and the time you invest (writing witty recaps) to entertain the masses. You are a vital part of my recovery process, Thank you!

    SGM sent me here in hopes of recaps for the season, and you have not failed to please! I (stupidly) canceled Bravo this year and you are my only RHOC recapper. I LOVE YOU!

    I can't wait to hear more about Tamra and Simon's divorce!!

  6. Love your recap! I am so glad SGM sent me over!

  7. "who has her face in one dog's anus and the other's nut sack" - LMAO.
    Nice job!!

  8. This is fantastic

  9. Jill! Dahling!! I'm am chagrined to learn that Bravo is not a standard component in every basic cable package in this great country, nay the world. Don't worry gurl, I've got yer back. (double air kisses)

    I'm so glad you've all enjoyed (and I'm talking to you non-commenting-ghosts out there as well--don't be shy sweetzies). My pits are already getting sweaty thinking abut the OC/NYC overlap, but my love to mock...all things mockable (??? Sarah Palin anyone???)...will prevail. You might even say my desire to mock boarders on psychotically obsessive.

  10. Hey lady - I found you thru SGM too. So glad you're recapping! I FINALLY caught the show today, and just kept thinking how EMBARRASSED I was for the people on this show at different moments - well, for Vicky really anytime she was on screen (but more so for Brianna), for Alexis arguing that her husband "wasn't controlling," for Peggy saying that "she didn't JUST marry for money....", for Gretchen and her "employee" during the dressing down speech (and was Gretchen's face that bad last season? I mean, she had a constellation of zits all up in there, and has she had work done? Is she even 30? For the love of Slade Smiley, was that necessary?

    Okay, I'll stop hi-jacking your post with my never-ending comment. Can't wait for your next recap!


  11. This was perfection.


Have at it darlings...